My Life as Maria Campagna

Gone insane?

2012-01-26T01:41:00.000-05:00

Or found clarity?
I keep on getting question thrown at me. They all seem to come to the same end. I like many people think that a directive from God will be so direct that there is no avoiding it. Mine seems to come in bits and pieces. Let me just say this is frustrating!
I am questioning so much about my life. I want more clarity. I know some things to be fact but most are open ended.
God, I know you hear me--I want an answer. Or have you answered me and I am too stubborn to listen?
Peace,
Maria

dreams

2012-01-19T09:29:00.002-05:00

My dreams over the past few weeks have been horrible. I keep thinking about the days when T and I were ending our marriage and what lead up to that decision. I know that my life if fuller now that I am not married to him but the hole it left in my life is still there. The hole that is filled with anger, bitterness, dissapointment. I know the size of the hole is getting smaller but it is not filled, and with the dreams and recent events it seems to be the same size.

After going to The Cove Church and Divorce Care I know that God and his love are the only way to mend that hole. I have committed myself to following God's will, so I am wondering why these images are returning. It must be the work of the devil himself trying to pull me to make bad decisions. Forcing me to relive all the emotions instead of moving forward to a life of Grace and Forgiveness.

This battle played it self out in my readiness to return to scrapbooking. I quit scrapbooking Sept 2009. I quit that because I was scrapbooking ten years of togetherness. Not long ago I got over a hundred picture developed. Seeing my new life in print I was feeling like I was ready to return to the craft. Mistakenly, I pulled out my vast collection of pictures that were ready to fill beautiful pages of printed and card stock paper; ready for my journaling and embellishments.
I was hit with a wave of nausea. Seeing the life I lived. The collection of stories behind those smiling faces. I cried. At first I cried because of the loss. Then I cried because of anger. Looking at those pictures did many things; One, it showed me a life that was, on flat paper, happy. Two, It showed a person that I loved smiling. I now know that person wishes me distroyed. That person wishes me pain. That person wishes me withered and gone. Three, It showed that I was a passive person in the experience. I was the one taking the pictures. When Anthony asked me if I was there; I was a crushing blow. He was so young and does not remember events that I treasured in my mind. There are only a few pictures of me with my boys. One set of photos; I remember that day just as vividly as the rest, Dominic was about three, Anthony about a year and a half. I had just given them their bath and I asked T to take some pictures. The boys were clean smelling like baby shampoo. I combed their hair and dried it. Dominic had on his favorite PJ's all clean and soft, Anthony naked. We sat, them in my lap, in the hallway of our first house. My favorite house, in my favorite neighborhood, in the city I love so much, Charlotte. I cried. For my loss. For their loss. They will never know, as I never knew the love of biological parents working together, loving and accepting them. It is a loss that I can never replace. Not for me or them. I was dissapointed in myself and their father.
Then there were pictures of our new house, that brought on a new flood of pain. I never wanted to leave the life I thought was perfect. I remembered building our house and longing to return to a place that I called 'home'. I begged to return. I remember the conversation where I asked to return and being told no. Again dissapointment. Pictures of our last family vacation, business vacation and our last Christmas. And the hole opened wider. And it is trying to open even wider threating to swallow me up again.

Today I am going to fight that expansion. I know that God has given me the challenge to stregthen me. I know that even though I begged him to stop the separation and divorce that his answer was simple. 'No. Maria I will not stop it. I have something better for you. I have made you strong. I will heal you. You must follow so I can show you the greatness that I have planned for you. Thank you for your prayers. I must say No now so that I can say Yes later. All you have to do is ask for my Guidance and Grace and I will show you how Great you can be.'

I did just that, I said yes to the Lord Jesus Christ on Sept 25th 2011 with my baptisim. And now I wait. On his time schedule, not mine. Although it is tough right now I know that he is building me up. God never tears down what he can not build back better. I am riding a wave of emotion that divorce creates. I know that the downs are not as bad as they were as long as I keep my eyes to heaven, my knees bent, my heart open and my thoughts focused.

Today, I pray for stregnth. The deamons that I will face in the coming weeks and months will be strong. My stregnth will be stronger.

Peace,
Maria

New Year, New Me?

2012-01-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

I was reminded that I need to update my blog the other day---Why is it that I have not written much lately? I guess it is because I have been knitting alot lately. It is hard to knit and type at the same time.

I need to everyone up on my life. Knitting and hanging out with J has been my life lately. I am not complaining but I would rather be boating and hanging with J! Who is J? I guess you could describe this person as a friend, a lover. Accepting me for who I am not who he wants me to be, or who I might become---Just me! That is so nice. I did not find that in my marriage or recent boyfriends. It is nice that kind of acceptance. It feels good knowing that I am good enough. I have not wanted to write about J because I have been afraid to open up. Afraid that I would be writing "J is such a loser." Well it has been 6 months and I think it is fair enough to say that J is staying around a bit longer.

Just found out that I have to ask again for prayers! Prayers to remind me to be strong. Stay the path that I am on. I have never been one to ask for help but I am asking. No details can be given at this time just keep me and the boys in your prayers.

Peace,
Maria

A lesson

2011-11-25T14:42:00.003-05:00

I am not sure who is getting taught a lesson by my children being products of a divorce. I have thought about this much lately—the holidays seem to remind me of the ideal life that I can not provide my children. The ideal American life: two biological parents living happily together, raising children together, facing difficulty and prosperity together, growing as a family unit.

I have come to the understanding that all things that we are faced with come to us for a reason. Yes, even the bad. Even the real bad events happen for a reason. Although they may happen directly to us it may not be our lesson that needs to be learned. I know that my divorce has taught me things, first and for most it has taught me the meaning of God’s love for me. To many this comes as a shock. I was not a believer in Jesus or in God’s unconditional love until my divorce. I went about my day thinking that God didn’t have a hand in the Universe much less my life. I surely did not think that a man that lived for only 33 years, and only taught for 3 years could influence our world for over 2000 years. Those numbers just did not make sense to me. Jesus was a fable that grew out of control. Jesus was no more real to me than Santa Claus. Both, stories of men that did good deeds that spread like rumors on the internet. I am not under the belief that Santa is real but I am not denying that I have changed my mind about other things, Santa is not too farfetched.

How could a gracious God allow bad things to happen to good, innocent people? Why would God allow pain? I am not sure if someone told me this or if I have come up with this on my own, but it is something I firmly believe. All things teach us a lesson, we have the choice to either grow from that lesson or fight against it.

What I don’t understand yet is whose lesson is this? Is it mine? My Ex-husband’s? My kid’s? Or is it someone else’s? There is a theory that everyone in the world is connected by 6 people. It is commonly known as ‘6 Degrees of Separation’ because of a book by the same name from author John Guare. Seem impossible to be true? I had not given it much thought till I found out this summer that I was 4 degrees from a movie star and 6 degrees from England’s royal family. Now with the popularity of Facebook it is thought that that number goes down to 4.74 degrees. Why can’t the lesson from the divorce of Campagna vs. Campagna be the same? I may never know who will learn from this personal tragedy that my family has suffered besides us. Given the numbers I can’t see how many others are not affected. As a matter of numbers all 7 billion people on the planet could be affected. That staggering thought really makes me think harder about the choices I make. Even the minute choices, letting that car in my lane, holding a door open for a stranger or a simple smile as you pass someone on the street. What about the big choices? What a difference we could make our communities or our nation, buying goods or services made locally or nationally could keep your neighbor working. Supporting your neighborhood soup kitchen or homeless shelter could provide nutrition to a child that would otherwise be in the hospital, or security to a child that could either become a felon or a President of a major corporation.

You either believe in God or you don’t, amazingly that does not change that your words and deeds affect more people than yourself. I choose to believe that making happier decisions are to glorify God.

How is the case of Campagna vs. Campagna going to affect you? How will it affect the world?

What's new?

2011-11-19T03:13:00.000-05:00

Life keeps going along, I know that it will not be as smooth in the future as it is now. This worries me to no end. I keep moving, not as much forward as much as I would like. I still have been unable to find a job. This is not new to 12% of the US population. I am trying hard every day to come to the realization that supporting my family will take a greater effort than I have given. I know that being at home for my boys is the best place for me to be than getting a job that will take me from them. It would be nice to have a job or more money so that I would not have to tell them no as much as I have to now. Them knowing that I am there for them when ever they need me is far too important. Being their foundation will build strong men. Raising my boys is not only my job, but my passion! Sacrifice is the key to our happiness. Sacrifice personal freedoms, wants and desires to do what I think is best for them. Some may disagree; that is fine with me, I know that it is right for me. I am hoping that the right job will come along that gives me freedom to be available when they need me and still give me income to become independent.
Independent from what? Financial independence. I want to not owe any money for my house. Yes, pay it off. Lofty goal? I think not. Hard work, sacrifice, dedication and devotion will make it happen.
The Cove Church is having a program called 'All In' they are trying to raise over $500,000 this Sunday. In one day. Pastor Mike as asked that we pray and answer God's calling for each of us. I am torn as to what to do. I am so scared that the up coming changes in my life will lead me to debt. Yet, I know that there are others that have so much less than I do and I could sacrifice more. There is nothing wrong living in with less than those around me, but I am scared for my boys. The gap between households is as wide as the Grand Canyon, and I am on the low end! I know that my children don't see it the same as I do. Yet it frightens me. I want them to have more that I can give them. They don't see a house, food or clothing as important. That is a given for them. They see toys as important. I know this mind set will change as they grow up. They will remember love, devotion, quality time, family time and consistency as the most important. I have and I will tell my children 'no' now so that they can have their Mom at home now and freedoms later.
If nothing else my boys know I made decisions the way I have because I love them.

Peace,
Maria

Pray

2011-09-27T12:37:00.000-04:00

Lord,
Please help me think things completely through. Help me keep in mind the best course of action. May I always be soft hearted. Keep me on the right path, your path. God, I don't know what to do. Guide me. You know how much is at stake in this situation.
I am but a human, a sinner; I make mistakes. Please help me forgive those that make mistakes.
Protect my children.
God, you have promised to give me nothing that I can't handle. I am not sure I can handle this, so I am giving it to you. This is yours now. Take it from me and give me peace. Ease my burden.
Thank you for this day and the trials that I am to face. My best days are yet to come because of you.
You are strong and unchanging.
I pray to you in your precious Son's Holy Name, Jesus Christ.
Amen

If you don't know Jesus and you are reading this offer up any prayer you can for me and my family. Ahead is a tough battle, we need all the help we can get.

Peace,
Maria

Understanding

2011-09-09T11:33:00.000-04:00

I don't have a good understanding of how it is I can make a mess when I don't realize that I am making a mess. Sometimes creating can get messy. When you renovate a house you have this idea in your head, then to paper of what it will be like. As the deconstruction goes you are filled with anticipation. The reconstruction begins and you start to see your dream take shape. Unfortunantly, there are always problems. Shipments are not delivered on time. Delays seem to be at every turn. You get frustrated and begin to think that the project that seemed flawless is riddled with problems. But you have to be patient. Because in the end it will be exactly what you wanted. Sometimes you are more pleased with the results than you ever thought possible.
This is where I am in life, again.

Now I have a question, Do you believe in unconditional love from another person? I do! Another question, Will you accept unconditional love when it is presented?
Outside of my children, I had for the first time in my life felt unconditional love for another person. Seeing the flaws and know that they don't matter. Viewing the big ones as opportunity to grow together. Dreaming of a major reconstruction in my life. I thought I received it and I was open to accept it. And now there is an unexpectant delay. Of course, so actions need to be taken to secure the gaping wound. But I will wait for healing. I will pray that God will show me the time and the way to start the reconstruction again. I am not sure which way he wants me to go. I know what I want but I have learned that having my way is not always the best way.
Yesterday I didn't think that I would be writing this. Of course isn't it always that way. Life smacks you in the face--well I just got a good one!
I woke up this morning knowing that I have plans tonight and that a quick get away would be nice. But I failed to remember that I have to work on Sunday! I have to make up for money spent and savings need to be replenished. Sometimes I think this is crazy. My Ex makes enough money to support 5 households and I am pinching pennies where I can. I am working for at a bar, waiting tables, I have a college education and can't find a job--so do thousands of other people! I do not have pride when it comes to supporting my family. I will do what it takes. Of course I do my crazy; like paying for things for friends because I know they are struggling more than I am. I know I spend in places I should not---my boat, but that is my release. My calming. My everyday vacation. I don't consider this 'justifacation' in a bad way it is just true, everyone needs an excape. That is where I will go today. To the water. Alone. Or maybe I can find someone that will go with me and be a happy positive influence. I don't want to tell my friends what is going on. Because I truely believe that this reconstruction will be beautiful and fulfilling. The holding back is the problem. I don't do that very well. I trust my friends. I believe in them. I know they want the best for me.

This is my prayer,
Lord,
Please keep my heart soft and open for the opportunities that you present to me. Show me the way- even if I don't like it, remind me that you and you alone know what is best for me. Lord, I want to be your faithful and good servant but I am just human with flaws and sins, guilt and regrets; with your Holy Spirit you can heal all. Heal and Guide me! I know my best days are yet to come.
In you Son's Holy and Precious Name.
Amen

Peace,
Maria

Tried

2011-08-30T20:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, the kids are in school. I am on the job hunt again. I have registered in a local community college to take a web design certification class---to improve my resume. I am dating a great man that has a career that leads him into danger (this does not thrill me in the least). I am teaching part time (only once a week or twice a month). I am faced with the change of seasons. This scares me. A change of seasons is a big deal for me. Actually on the spring and fall changes affect my life. The winter and Summer changes bring my joy.

I have tried many different things in my life. Some scary, some physically demanding, some emotionally draining. Each time I have tried I have found out something about my self. This time I am trying a relationship that is more fulfilling than any I have tried before. Again a change. I am not leading and I am not following, we are walking together. Of course I thought this before, but it seems so much more equal.

I have not painted in months. I am being called to paint again. I have only done a small bit of knitting and I am being compelled to knit again. I have decided to get Baptised. I pray several times a day. I know these things are wonderful, but I am questioning why the sudden change in areas of my life. Is it the weather? Is it my new relationship? Am I regressing?

The Days of My Life as Maria Campagna

Peace,
Maria

Again, these are the same questions. Different answers.

Faith over Fear

2011-08-07T23:47:00.000-04:00

Today at church we talked about Faith over Fear. That is a powerful statement. Having Faith not only in God and Jesus, Faith in Dreams, Faith in Friends, Faith in Family. How much Faith does it take to overcome your past. Your self doubt. Self loathing. Do I have enough to fight? Is it worth the fight? Am I fighting the right fight? It amazes me how I attend church, and how much I am moved by the words of God thru a speaker. I didn't even realize that today's message would mean anything to me, yet as today progressed it became clear.

I am afraid of so many things in my life, in my kids life. Yet somehow I have faith. Faith in God, Love, Family and Friends. I have found faith. I have worked for faith. I need to have faith or else all is lost. I am not giving up. I am fighting that fight. I will work for what I believe to be true, honest and wholesome.

I might post again tonight, my head is spinning and this is one of the places I find clarity. The other is running and prayer. Tomorrow morning I will run and I will pray.

Peace,
Maria

Parties

2011-08-05T22:42:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we had two parties in our neighborhood. One sponsored by the wonderful McMurry's. They are always open and gracious. It ended with a late night boat ride. The lake level is down so we trolled out of the cove, ended up swimming in my clothes! That is not the most comfortable way to swim or drive home. It was a good time no matter how soaking wet my clothing was.
Then Saturday we spend the day on the water with neighbors in the cove. We stayed out entirely too late. Our party was supposta start at 7. Well, we got started around 8. Martinis at J and M's house, then Jello shots at J's, and on to my house for Margarita's. I guess you could say that we had fun...two people vomiting and two passed out! All in good fun. Giant Jenga in my kitchen. Laughter. Friends. Amazing times.
All this fun plus my boat acted up on Sat, my phone dove in the ice water in Tonja's cooler, and my AC went out all must have kick my ass because in Wed I ended up with a migraine headache that lasted til Thursday late morning. I have not had one of those in nine years. It was a bad one. I am hoping that they are not going to start back up again.
Thursday I spend the day on the lake with D, C, A, J, J and my new friend J. Then out to dinner. The weather is not looking great for a full lake weekend, thunderstorms and clouds. I will make the best of it.
I am looking forward to church on Sunday. Sitting with J. Praying together. Growing together, growing with God. I am looking forward to hearing Mike speak. Then heading to the lake--if the weather is good.

Peace,
Maria

Answered

2011-07-29T09:30:00.000-04:00

I have thought about a question that was asked of me last week. I spent hours thinking about it. I prayed about it. Do I miss a friendship? Yes, there are many parts of that friendship that I miss. I miss drinking coffee. Eating at Monterrey's. Silly dinners for the kids. The easy way that we worked in the kitchen. I miss bike rides. I miss many things, but he gave it up. He does not understand if he would not have lied to me we could be friends. I am spending my time with friends that don't lie to me. That don't lie 'to protect me'. I don't need to go back. I need to go forward. I will be friendly, I can not his friend, at this time. I might think differently after time passes. Time helps.

I wish I could feel different. I wish that I didn't remember the pain I felt. I know that it has been almost two months. I can still see his face that morning. I can still hear his words in my head, telling me he was sorry that he didn't mean for me to see, that it was an accident, that he didn't think of her 'that way'. I remember the gut wrenching pain, that almost made me vomit at the sight of his neck. Knowing that he held another so close. Desired someone so much that he failed to remember 'us'. Then he lied to me over the next few days and weeks. Now, I am sickened by my insecuritites at the time. The fact that I prayed with him, the fact that I was willing to work thru all the lies. The pain. Leaving my self open to so much more pain. But God had a plan for me. I didn't understand or like the decisions that were made. Now I see how much more pain would have been caused if he would have given me the answers to prayers that I wanted. I knew that God answered my prayers, in the way that he knew was best for me.

I wrote these two paragraphs yesterday morning, so this post is going to jump around a bit.

Let me tell you about yesterday, a wonderful day! Dominic and I ran errands, I dropped him off with his father's girlfriend. I spent a good bit of the morning with my bestest. Boat got done---spent bunch more money on it than I wanted. Afternoon at the pool. Helped a friend. Then the best thing happened. J and I went on the boat for a sunset ride! (Althought, the lights were not fully functioning---that will get remedied this weekend.) We watched the sun set and the day turn to night. We laughed, listened to music and the cars pass on the bridge. We talked, openly, honestly with no reservations, no holding back. We kissed, we held each other. I felt so alive floating with him. So free. So secure.

It was a perfect start to a perfect weekend! I have two parties to attend tonight and one Saturday. This weekend, once again, will be epic! I can not wait to write about it next week!

Peace,
Maria

"I've got seas to sail"

2011-07-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

I have ignore the wisdom of Jimmy for a while but there are some truths that can not be ignored. I need time to sail seas. Seas of life. I am living a great life. A life of spending time with my kids and my friends that no money can replace. I may not have much but I have a house, a car, I can pay my bills. Life is good. I am exactly where I need to be when I need to be there. "Off the Coast of Carolina" words to live by! I might have met someone than can...
No, I don't have much. I have more than 3/4 of the world. Actually, i have more than that. And for that I am happy! I have always been happy with what I have. I have never been one to desire so much that I sacarfice what is good for what I think would be better. I live and love in the moment of life. I know most may not agree but living is a journey. I know that my journey is loving myself. And I do! I love myself. My flaws, and my atributes. I have sooo much to give to my family, my God, mWely friends and my lovers. I welcome the oppornunity to share alll that I am. I feel sorry for those that can not do that. I pray for you. For those that can I welcome you! Welcome to a life of happiness!
I do miss people. I miss soooo much of life that I thought would happen but I don't let that hinder me. I don't regret where I am. I might miss a 'friend', but I realize that in missing that person I am stronger!
Maybe one day....
Peace.
Maria

Changes

2011-07-20T23:01:00.000-04:00

I am in wonder of the changes in my heart. I question myself, but this I have no question about. Doors close and open for reasons. Some close completely, others are just ajar. I am afraid of those that are ajar that have eyes that pierce.

I was called 'jaded' tonight. I am against those that have hurt me. The hurts that are unintentional I can open. The hurts that are deliberate, I don't think I can open. I have an open heart, I know that. I have opened myself up to others. Allowing my feeling to be expressed. Vunerable to those that have not hurt me. Not to those that have proven they will hurt me.

I know this is a crazy post but this is the way my thoughts run. I must gather my information and process it further.

Peace,
Maria

Tyrone Wells...

2011-07-14T01:56:00.000-04:00

is soooo talented. Here is a song that speaks to my heart.

'More'

Sometimes I get so tired

Just trying to find a place to lay my head

I look up to the sky

I feel the warmest light comfort me

I've seen the great heights

Reminding me I'm alive

I don't want to die

I don't want to waste another day or night

I know there's something more

Than what we're living for

I see it in the stars

I feel it on the shore

I know there's something

I know there's something more.

I think we're all afraid

That we may be alone, alone down here

We all want to have some faith

At least that's true in my case, to just believe

I've seen the great heights

Reminding me I'm alive

I don't want to die

I don't want to waste another day or night

I know there's something more

Than what we're living for

I see it in the stars

I feel it on the shore

I know there's something

This world may crumble

Into the ocean

It could all end tonight

I undermine you

Than try to fight you

My only soft sunlight

I am breathing

I am breathing

I am alive

I don't want to die

I don't want to waste another day or night

I know there's something more

Than what we're living for

I see it in the stars

I feel it on the shore

I know that I am alive

I don't want to die

I don't want to waste another day or night

I know there's something more

Than what we're living for

I see it in the stars I feel it on the shore

I know there's something more.

This is crazy!

2011-07-13T23:23:00.000-04:00

My life can get a little crazy. Good and bad crazy but this is good crazy! I am so hopeful. I have said never again. I am now saying I am thinking again about it! Have I lost my mind? Maybe but this time....I'm not going to question the reason God has given me this opportunity. I know God is guiding me, and I am not going to reason this away. I am not going to allow my past hurt to invade my thoughts. I am going to enjoy myself. I am going to open up and be honest. I am going to be ME! The me that does not run. The me that does not hide. I am going to enjoy new experiences. I am happy to be given this chance. I am happy to be ME! I am happy for my life....all of it!

Peace,
Maria

Tangled

2011-07-08T09:29:00.000-04:00

The nasty mess that people create by lies always will come back to haunt you. I found out more lies and I am more thankful that I am out of that web. I have been thankful that God didn't answer my prayers the way I wanted but the way I needed. He keeps showing me reasons for his decision. I would have been so unhappy if he would have granted my request, and I didn't even know it! Thank you God, for giving me my freedom, happiness, great friends and my beautiful boys.

I had the best two weeks! I visited my friend in Tn. What a great time. A cabin, white water rafting, boating and hair colored! Thank goodness she allowed me to visit! My boys have been gone for almost two weeks and if I would have stayed then I would have gone crazy.

I come home and got help from my 'Brother' and J hanging ceiling fans in the boys bed rooms. I did this to allow my 'Sis' to organize his surprise birthday party! The fans are beautiful! Changing them makes my home more and more 'mine'. Small changes make big impacts! Saturday we pile on Goodin Intentions and set up 7 boats, cooked out and watched fireworks on the lake! Then the fun set in!!! Sunday arrived and we went by boat to another lake party. Slip and slid, teather ball, swimming, dancing, flip cup and Jumbo Jenga are the 'games' we played. Barbeque and tons of sides were dinner and breakfast casserole helped soak up the amazing amounts of alcohol that were consumed. Of course the next day we all took the boats out and floating in the cove! Lord, thanks for great friends and great times!

Early today I ran/walked several miles then did my arms and back---sweated like a pig! I feel great! Now relaxing on my porch writting--cooling off. This is the first time since June 1st that I miss my morning coffee. I loved sitting here reading, drinking coffee and relaxing on the porch. I don't miss it so much that I will get the coffee maker out of the closet and brew a pot. I know that is a good change. Little changes, big impact. I have a massage scheduled today, I am going to head there early and get in the infared spa. Sweating out all the toxins that I have put in my body is what I need to prepare myself for the weekend. Tonight I am having dinner with a friend and watch live music. These are the things that I am now able to say yes to! Tomorrow I will be on the lake celebrating a 8 year olds birthday, then who knows what I will get in to. I am looking forward to church on Sunday, a chance to praise God for the prayer he answered the way I needed it. Yes! I am saying Yes! If you are struggling, I hope you find peace. Listen and God will show you the way. It may feel like you are broken, but God will not leave you that way. He is preparing you for greatness...

Peace,
Maria

Thank you God!

2011-06-23T01:24:00.000-04:00

I know that when I don't read about God and pray I fall to pieces. Three weeks ago I thought I would just melt away. I hurt so bad. I wanted to make wrongs right. Wrongs that I had done and that were done to me, knowing that neither would ever happen. I have returned home. The home in the light of God! I prayed. He always gives me what I need, when I need it. Today I read again and I read just what I needed to 'hear'.

'I forgive you for offending me in your words and actions. Please forgive me for offending you in my words and actions.'

Powerful! I am praying the Holy Spirit will guide me in making this simple prayer come true. To guide me in thoughts, words and actions.

I want to tell you what is going on in my life now....however, it is new. And this feeling is new. The feeling of being able to say Yes. Yes, to my happiness. I didn't say anything bad about myself today! I didn't look in the mirror and say to myself that I am fat. I ate today and I didn't get sick or throw up. I still had thoughts of the past, but they were weak, I was stronger than they were! I had opportunity to be as weak as my broken heart, yet I was able to make it thru the day and have a smile on my face.

Again Thank You God!

Peace,
Maria

Reality

2011-06-21T00:38:00.000-04:00

Reality is that he lies. End of story.

I am trying not to be the jaded bitch that is in my nature. I am fighting a learned behavior. I had opportunity to be a bitch today...I held it and after I came home and read and prayed; I understand why. I had been given this pain and I gave it to God and he took it; I fought it. I don't like giving up control however I can't handle this on my own. God commands me to let it go...and to love. What gives me right to argue? What right do I have to judge His wisdom? He is the only one that can judge...as much as I have 'right' to judge, it is not my place.

Holding my tongue is hard. I came home and knew I need to read something spiritual. Guess what hit me, again the Holy Spirit working....
" ..and when I am focused on God, the words I speak don't seem as careless or idle. I need to be more careful with my use of words, so I will ask God, through the Holy Spirit, to help me control my tongue so that I do not use careless words." 'The Year of Living Like Jesus', Ed Dobson. Every time I go to church I the Holy Spirit speaks to me; now I see it in my readings! Thank you Jesus for helping me, a lowly sinner in pain. Keep my tongue from wickness, and to speak the truth.

Peace,
Maria

I had to tell...

2011-06-20T13:38:00.000-04:00

..my best friend the horror and pain of the past three weeks, yesterday. Why did I wait? Because she has put up with all my drama, she didn't need the midnight calls me crying, blaming myself for his actions. Retelling those events were painful. Living it was worse. She didn't need to go thru it! She as always was supportive. She was not in shock as many others were. No one saw the potential of him stepping out but her. She knew. She said that many times once someone has been cheated on that they tend to do the same to others! Can you believe that! After they have been hurt and not properly healed from it they turn to it instead away?!!?

I did not run at all this weekend. I felt it this morning when I went for my run. Clearing my head for the week to come, remembering this weekend. Ahhh this weekend...the fun started Friday going to the pool in the afternoon with friends and neighbors, deciding that going to the neighborhood pool party would be a mistake and instead going to NC Music Factory. I love live music! What a wonderful choice!

Saturday boating then sitting on a neighbors porch drinking beer, fondling firearms! Yes, I said fondling firearms! All safely. It was amazing how much I want to go shooting! I can not wait for the range here to open! I want a 22 to play with. A 40 to shoot, as well as my 9mm. I see time being spent at the range.

Sunday boating with friends on the island. The island was perfect, just us. None of the crazies that have been around lately. Having a cookout at a friend's house then coming home to a perfect bed.

For the first time in three weeks, I was happy. I decided that it is time for me to date. Date the right way, officially asking me out, picking me up, dinner and a event, then home. I want to be courted. Dolled over. Pampered. I had to ask advise from someone that has been dating for three years now how it is done! Can you belive that? I hang out with people---not date. I am a serial monogomist! Don't know how to date several guys at one time! I talk to much. I would end up telling one guy what a great date I had with another! That would never work! Or maybe it would...for them to know that my time is wanted by someone else.

There is a new possibility in my future that I am excited to explore! A new personal challenge!

Peace,
Maria

Release control.....

2011-06-16T02:09:00.000-04:00

That is difficult for me to do. I struggle with that daily. In many ways I want to let go of some of my control. Yet, I don't want to feel needy and weak. I hate weak people. I have been weak. I have noticed it, I got called out about it. And I thank my friend that did that. Needing something or someone does not have to show weakness. Weakness is a personal flaw. Arrogance in your strength is a personal flaw. I see now what my flaws in these areas are from the last two weeks are. I was weak. Today I am stronger in a fulfilling way. I gave my weakness up. I gave up self blame. I gave my illusion of control up. I didn't yearn. I didn't whimper. I didn't beg. I took steps today that allowed me to be in control in a healthy way. I said yes, a healthy yes. A simple and quite yes, that in my head felt like a shout.

There comes a time when you look at someone and you don't feel that tug of weakness or strength, and you know that you have come to terms with decisions that have been made and you are content. Today, I was content. I didn't have to say it, I felt it. It is freeing. It is breathing your own breath.

It is true thinking changes actions, and feelings. When we are overwhelmed it is when we forget or are temporarily unable to think things thru. I have had time to think things thru and I have changed my feelings about past events. In many ways this is forgiveness at it's finest. Forgiving someone does not mean that you want to return to that pattern of behavior or person. It acknowledges your own failures and successes while acknowledging theirs, and taking ownership of them, then walking away.

I will sleep tonight and tomorrow I will awake with more confidence. In that confidence, I know that there will times of self judging and self loathing, but those will come and go quicker. And eventually they will fade completely.

Peace,
Maria

I could...

2011-06-09T00:28:00.000-04:00

I could love you
the way you make me smile when all I want to do is cry
you give me hope
the way you remind me of life's joys
admiring the sunrise on a day's journey

The way we can talk or not and
still be comfortable
Eating the same foods and drinks
Accepting each other for who we are
Encouraging along the way

A broken path
brought together by chance
Forming a road I want to walk
with you on

A life full
Chances taken, no regrets
No control, just relaxing in your company
Resting in your universe
Formed by nature
nurtured by admiration

You are my friend.

Peace,
Maria

A week ago Today...

2011-06-08T00:52:00.000-04:00

What a wonderful day we had last Tuesday. Morning sex, snuggling, lunch and off to the grocery store. A typical day for a couple. Not a typical day for friends.

Peace,
Maria

Later this morning

2011-06-06T23:09:00.000-04:00

After my last post I prayed. I prayed the way I am supposta pray. I told God I was not strong enought for this pain, and I gave it to him. I told him my body can not take this abuse I am giving it because of my need to have some control. I told him that I could not function on this lack of sleep night after night. I laid it all at the cross. I let him take it. I can't anymore. I didn't sleep last night, but I got a shower and went to church. I felt the best I have felt since Wed morning. I served at church, both services. Went out on the boat. and then that happy feeling began to fade as the day went along. By 5pm I was hurting physically. I barely functioned as a parent this evening. I ate a bite of pizza and a fork full of noodles. Now I am fighting sleep. Why fight it? I know that I want to get up in the morning and go for a run. My muscles need it. My head needs it. I will wake up and do my devotional, and then pray while I am running. I don't think God minds running and praying.

At church Mike covered a lot of things. One, we have choices some of them easy and some of them difficult. We choose who to love. This about knocked me off my chair, luckly Baron was there if i did fall! Because it was exactly what I said to him earlier. Everytime I go to The Cove, I swear Mike talks to me! Second, false idols aka "little g gods". I thought about my 'little g gods'; they are alchol, tobacco, friends, boat and love. As long as your 'little g gods' are done in moderation then they are not a problem. When they interfer with your life it becomes a problem. Third, politics and mainstream society.

Post got interrupted...Let's start again.

I don't know anyone that does not have 'little g gods'. I just named the ones that popped in my head at that moment. I think those are the ones that I do get carried away with. The ones that can drive me crazy when I have them too much or too little. The ones that can interfer with each other or with the 'big G'. I could list more but why bother? These are the things that I am going to work on, work on the good and bad parts of my 'little g gods' Wish me luck!
Now I am thinking I need to start another post. Different subject, different post---My blog, my rules!

Peace,
Maria

Why do I Blog?

2011-06-05T05:22:00.000-04:00

If you have not figured out by now I blog for me. Not for anyone else. Just me. I am not sorry if I offend anyone by what I write or have written. What I have written came from my heart at the time I wrote it. I can only think of one post that I deleted because I looked back at it and thought better to put in to 'written' word what I could have kept to myself. There are moments in time that your think one thing and later look back and question the reason for it. I have many journals that I keep, that I will reread to give perspective on my current dilemas. This is one of them.

For the past several days I have been depressed. Actually, I have been thrown in to hell. I have offered my heart and it got handed back to me. I know it happens every day. I have rejected the offer of someones heart. Many times I am sure. I know as everyone does this pain will go away. It is already subsiding. I am actually not feeling as sick as I did. I have not eaten anything but half a power bar since Tuesday's lunch. I tried a few bites of pizza tonight to see if I would vomit. I did not, but at one point I was not sure how long it would stay down. As a result of that I have lost 5 pounds. I needed to loose those pounds.

I have wonderful and supportive friends. Friends that bring me flowers, just to remind me how wonderful life is. Friends that schedule mission trips so I don't have to spend time sulking. Friends that drive 40 minutes because they can tell from a text message that I am not happy, and they cheer me up. Friends that have lasted and will last my whole life. Without those friends I would have withered away long ago. These friends are the ones that will be honest. I have gotten a lot of that honesty since Wednesday. Some of it I was not happy to hear, I am thankful for that honesty. Perspective that I could not see because I was so emotional. People will come and go from our lives and there are people that are like kudzoo. They thrive with you no matter what you throw at them. Those people are friends.

I said today that I was more sad to loose a friend than a lover. It was pointed out to me that if they were really a friend then I would not loose them. They would not be hateful, spiteful and decietful. Time will be the only way tell. At this moment I am not sure. After being lied to again and again; and being told it was for my protection, so I would not get hurt, I am not sure. I feel it is worse being lied to, knowing the truth and then being told it was to protect me, than laying all the cards on the table and finding out you lost your life savings. Even knowing I was lied to I still offered my heart, willing to forgive. My post from Friday morning said that I was not willing to ever take that step. Why would I? Why put myself in that position? I thought and prayed about it. I remembered what happend in April when I went off the deep end. Knowing what I know, my mind and my heart still said try. There is nothing gained with out sacrifice. I was willing to look like a fool. Willing to do the thing that was hard, not easy. Work instead of walking away. I read the bible and prayed. Each time I opened that amazing book, I was struck with passages about forgiveness, about working hard, about sacrifices made and given. I am content knowing I did everything I could do. Knowing that I made an effort til the end. Knowing that I tried hard. That was a great big step for me. Normally I would walk away and just get mad. Even as I go thru the stages of greiving I know that I will not stay mad. Holding on to anger and regret is a waste of time.
Looking back on the past four days, feeling the physical effects of heart ache again, I know that I am getting better. It will not go away over night, but I am sure that it will not last as long as I am imagining it will. I see months of pain in my future.

I will be blamed, and I will take that blame because I am a friend. I will take it because that is what you need to do to make you feel better. I want you to feel better. I accept my part and I will take the part that you want to throw my way.

So now it is Sunday morning, tomorrow I will be floating with family and friends. I will laugh and joke, maybe someone will bring Jello Shots! I am so happy floating! My head is clearing when I am on the water or being near it. I feel alive on the water. Gently floating, finding a perfect spot to rest or drop anchor. Finding friends from years past and making new ones. Many of my best friends I 'found' on the lake. It is a common interest, why would you not become friends? For us, the water provides solid ground. U love my boat!

I will not sleep tonight, and that is a good thing. I got advise from a friend. I was able to write. I will be heading to church tomorrow at 8:15, praying the whole way there. Sun is starting to come up and I am just now yawning! I love my bed, yet I have not been able to sleep there. Maybe I will sleep in my bed tonight. I will be one little step but to my heart it is a big one!

Peace,
Maria

nnecessary time sulking

How is it?

2011-06-04T15:47:00.000-04:00

How is that after this hurt I still want him? Am I nuts? Guess I am, because I have asked him to love me, to want me. I still love him.

I think we can work it out.

Peace,
Maria

It gets WORSE!!

2011-06-03T02:23:00.001-04:00

Didn't think that was possible, yet it has. But now I don't cry. Every oumce of my body yearns to cry but there is nothing left. I honestly did not think that I could ever cry as much as I have, again. I would like to think that I have tears left to shed but I think that is now gone.

I admit that I am not a saint, never claimed to be one.
I admit that I am not the easiest person to be around, never claimed to be.

Not 12 hours after, you were with another. You said that you don't feel that way about her. Did you tell her? As you went to bed? What did you tell her? That we had not been sexual with me? How long have you been with her? Are you being safe with her? We were not practicing safe sex. Does she know that? I was honest. Were you honest with me? I don't know because, You LIED!!! Did you tell her that Tuesday morning you text me asking if I wanted coffee and a walk around the neighborhood after you....did what ever it is you did?

You LIED!!! You lied to my face, while you comforted me. Did you do that to easy your guilt, for what you had done or for what you knew you were going to do? I guess I go get blood work done--again.

You hated what your EX did to you. Yet you learned so much from it. Didn't you? Keep one holding on. Saying I'm not sure; while you bed another. Do you realize that you are just like her? A lying, cheat. If not to me than to the new one. I am sure you made promises to her already. Or is she just an easy fuck? I know I was. It is easy to be so close. That was something you bragged about. Now your new fuck is closer. Do you love her bed as much as you did mine?

I believed in us, in you and what you said.

Now, I am hardened to you. I don't have any fight left for you. I still have to work on me becoming a better person, and I don't need to be around someone that will bring me down, that will bring my children down. They have enought bad influences as it is. I don't need someone else to let them down. I needed someone strong, someone of conviction, someone considerate. Not you.

It has been said that each event in life takes the steps needed for recovery. Anger, Guilt, Denial....I was angry at myself for opening back up to you. To opening my bed to you. To opening my family to you. You have proved not to be worthy of our love. For most of this time I was feeling guilty for my lack of complete communication, by not spelling it out in writing, although I told you I loved you and we said that we needed to talk about how to handle this new development. I felt guilt that I did not do all that I could. I was in denial that Monday you professed your love for me, not only to me but to others and yet by Wednesday morning you changed your mind. Tuesday morning you asked to 'make love to me', and you held another by Tuesday night. Today you asked me to be your friend, you asked me to be patient. You made no direct promises, yet you lied to my face. You.... I know what you have done, you know what you have done.

Good luck trying to blame this one on me. Find your happiness, it just will not be here. I offered to try to make 'us' work. After tonight....well as the saying goes "you made your bed, now lie in it". I hope she gives you what you want, what you are looking for, what you need. Obviously, I didn't.

It will hurt, it will hurt for a long time to know what I know. But I will survive this, just don't know if I will like who I am when it is done.

I know you are asleep, most likely curled around her body. I am sure you are gently rubbing her arms, back, side, stomach and legs. Just to touch her softly to be close to her. To take in her smell. That is what you did to me.

I will not sleep again tonight. I hope that you rest comfortably. I will sleep on my sofa again because my sheets are still not put on the bed from when you left it. I will not eat tomorrow. I have not eaten since I found out. I will smile tomorrow, but not with my heart because it hurt to much.

I will remember being where she is, thankful that I know the truth....now.
Sorry for such a depressing post, but again it is about me and my life.

Peace,
Maria

Peace,
Maria

If...

2011-06-01T14:47:00.000-04:00

'Life is like a box of Chocolates' then I'm screwed!!! I don't like chocolate!

I cried today. Hard. Gut wrenching tears. The tears that sting. I felt like i got punched in the chest. I'm still feel like I could vomit. I am physically not over it. My muscles are weak. I have been grinding my teeth. I got tired after crying so hard. Now the headache has set in!

Why did I cry like this? Because, I thought something that was not true. Because, I didn't communicate well and missed my opportunity; by 12 hours!!! 12 Fucking hours. Because, I made a mistake. Because, I believed. Because, I tried again and failed. It hurt.

I will listen to Sarah Evans' song 'Stronger' and remember that I will get stronger. The last time I had to get stronger---it made my heart a little bit harder. This will too. Don't think I have anything left to give.

'Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger'

Peace,
Maria

Why did I cry because

Keeping secrets...

2011-05-17T23:39:00.000-04:00

Some people have such a hard time keeping secrets! I learned that the phrase "It's not my story to tell" goes along way. What do you have to benefit from telling? In this case it is control. Control over other people and trying to control their actions. Does it serve you or anyone else? Is it for the best of all involved?

I guess that I have told my story, my secrets now it might be my turn to tell to others.

Peace,
Maria

Again...

2011-05-11T19:07:00.000-04:00

I have not felt saddness like this in almost a year. I can not smile. I can not eat. I can not hope.

I thought this would have been easier or not even hurt. I does. It hurts bad. I am sure this will pass. That in a few weeks I will be able to smile with ease.

Again pictures come off the walls. A reminder of January 2010.

I am so tired. I don't want to get out of bed much less take a shower. I can't put on makeup or jewelry. I almost can't breathe.

I can't talk to people about this, so I write. Why can't I talk to my family or friends? I have talked them to the point that they are tired of hearing it. I got what I wanted---didn't I? I didn't want my marriage the way it was and there was no way it was going to change. Ultimately, I got what I wanted. I didn't want to feel second, third or fourth. I got being nothing. I wanted to feel in control of my life. I got freedom.

What I didn't count on is the gut wrenching pain. The pain that makes you want to sleep. The pain that makes you want to cry. The pain that makes you want to give up.

I read some where that 'there is stregnth in tears. Tears are powerful. They hold utter joy and complete sorrow. That tears say a thousand words.' If this holds true then I am powerful, I am strong and I have spoken a library's worth of volumes.

A song by Sara Evans says 'Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.' I am approaching my weakest day and I don't feel any stronger.

I have laid this all 'at the cross' and I guess that God knows...

Now, I will watch the sunset and try to find joy in it. I will pray for hope.

Peace,
Maria

Tired

2011-05-04T21:33:00.000-04:00

I don't ever remember being this tired in my life. Stress is getting to me. I am feeling down.

Confused

2011-04-27T22:20:00.000-04:00

I suddenly, well not so suddenly, feel myself in a state of confusion. It has been coming on for over a month now and it just keeps building like a tidal wave. I am unsure if it is the fact my divorce paperwork should be in the mail any day or if it is a natural change given the change in seasons. I have never felt a need to change greater than this.
The normal decisions seem to take me a while to make. I am lacking in energy, and I am eating anything that crosses my path. If nothing else is a clue that something is wrong than the eating thing is a red flag as big as a school bus with its lights flashing! I tried to pretend for a while it would go away but it is not. I tried to convince myself it is hormonal but this is lasting too long. I don't feel lost I feel at a loss. I watched Pray Eat Love last night and much of what she was going thru is the way I feel except I cant run away for a year to 'find myself'.
I have been determined to learn how to accept me, the alone me. Not the me wrapped up in a relationship. And today a 'friend' tells me I need to move on...to find a man and get married! That is exactly what I don't need! I tried to explain that I don't need someone else to complete me, that I am a complete person. Althougth I liken myself to a puzzle with a missing piece, I thought for a long time that I was more likely missing dozens of pieces. Little by little I find them, tucked in the recesses of my mind, heart and soul. I know that it will take a while to find the last remaining pieces but I know the beautiful picture will emerge soon enough. (Ohhh, idea....what a painting that will make....me with a few missing pieces. I am not much for self portraits but that one could be fun in a demanding way! Thought provoking...where will this one lead?) I am determined to complete this puzzle before I can start to put together a new one! In the art of puzzle construction I will admit that I will not complete a puzzle if the edge pieces are not all there. The edge is like the foundation for a building. If it is not complete the building will collapse. My edges are there! I am mostly filled in...now is the hard part the fine details...the hard to see colors and shapes. And then there are pieces that have fallen on the floor or in a near by chair. Knocked off by a sleeve or the box top.
So where does that leave me? Still looking at pieces that don't seem to fit knowing they have to fit somewhere and searching for the obivious missing ones.

Peace,
Maria

Great Weekend

2011-04-10T22:36:00.000-04:00

I had a great weekend with my BFF and friends. Is this something to write about? Yes, because they are amazing!
People that love me for who I am...not who I was or will become....Who I AM!

I feel sorry for those that don't have great friends. 'Blood may be thicker than water' but friends are chosen. They are a select few out of 7 billion people on this planet that we choose to spend our lives with. 7 billion is a big number and it is hard to comprehend but I am thankful for my few. And, I always welcome more!

Peace,
Maria

Saga continues....

2011-03-17T01:29:00.000-04:00

I am almost at the point to think that staying married is better than a divorce. Lets look at the reasons....

One....you don't like/get along with the person now....divorce will not make communication easier. That point is null and void if you don't have to talk to them again...san kids.

Two...Attorneys.

Three...Attorney's fees.

Four....What if they don't do what your agreement says. See Two and three.

Five....See One.

Six thru a Billion see One thru Four.

1,000,000,001....if they have physically hurt you, your children or an animal; One thru a Billion are void; so get the divorce.

I am stuck between one and four. Now what? Hell if I know, but it is my life now. Sometimes it sucks a big stinking rotten egg and sometimes it is good. And that is the way it should be. That is the design of my society, up bringing and culture.

On again- Off again. I just saw a news report that the sell of Iodine pills in the US are sky rocketing. I knew this would happen---we all did. Who was smart enough to invest in a company that manufactures those pills? I was not. If so I would not still be looking for a job to pay bills (see One thru Four!) Japan suffers a possible meltdown and American run off to protect themselves.

I have been raised and believe that we should, first act locally, regionally, nationally and then globally. Americans will send millions if not billions to Japan and yet our neighbors are hungry and out of work, our police and firemen are understaffed, not to mention our teachers! We are required by Jesus to help those in need.... but what about in our own cities and counties? Why do we 'step up to the plate' for natural disasters? Yet can't find the time nor the money to help our neighbor?

Someone tell me why 47% of millionares don't consider themselves rich? That stat I heard yesterday.

Wake up, 'man up', do the right thing for your brother or sister sitting next to you. And if you are not 'rich' then take the steps to help yourself and your family. You are not entitled to anything. Work for it. I have worked for what I have. Don't think so; then come at me with all you got because you don't know what I have done nor what I am doing.

This whole post may seem random, but it is just a glimse in to my life, My Life as Maria Campagna.

Peace,
Maria

Dissapointment

2011-02-18T11:16:00.001-05:00

I still get dissapointed by actions or lack of action by my ex.
(This paragraph deleted because althought I can not control his actions---at this time I feel that calling him out does no good.)

With that dissapointment I am amazed the dedication of Baron, he went to the store for me to get Anthony more medicine and a vaporizer! Every afternoon he asked it I or Anthony needed anything. Every morning he stopped by to get Dominic to school so I can stay with Anthony. What an amazing man.

Now that Anthony is feeling a bit better we will be able to go to Anthony's Scouts Blue and Gold Ceremony! He has worked hard to complete all of his requirements to allow him to graduated from Wolf to Bear! I am very proud of him. This weekend should be great! Good spring weather, healthy kids, great boyfriend and good friends! Yippie!

Peace,
Maria

Side note

2011-02-08T20:29:00.000-05:00

My kids might take this worse than my future divorce. One asked to sleep with the bathroom light on and one wants to talk to the school counselor tomorrow. This shit sucks! I told them to sleep in if they wanted...not being slack. I just know they feel the stress too.

Peace,
Maria

Funeral Mass

2011-02-08T20:08:00.001-05:00

Although I was raised Catholic I am amazed at how depressing a funeral mass is. The priest tells us that the dececesed is in heaven, whole and complete with the Lord our God. I just don't know why they don't make it sound better. More cheerful. Anthony and I actually broke down and cried. And I mean cried. I think that he cried because of me---I'm not sure, but he was shaking, sobbing and could hardly control himself. Why did I cry? Now I know that sounds strange but why did I? I cried when I found out. Why cry at mass? It may have been the familarity of the church (I no longer attend Catholic church because of my divorce and disagreements I have with the dogma of the church.) or it was my confusion or grief? I don't know but I do know that I will think long and hard about that feeling. This is not something that can be swept under the rug.

I know my emotions are running high. My mind has been racing for days. I will say the past 5 days have made me feel like my separation all over again. All the pain is back. I know it will be gone quicker but it is almost as intense. It was so much so that I questioned everything I have done the past 18 months. Tomorrow I will walk among the bones and ashes of a cemetary and pray. I know some things will not change. I know that I have changed too much. I know that relationships have been strained, some beyond repair; but I feel that some are developing in to much more than they were.

I was amazed at the 'fake' people that were there. The ones that cried and hugged that did not mean it (or because of previous actions and words I make those assumptions). Those that forced there way on the family. Those that disregarded the wishes others wishes to put themselves in the forefront. I have only been to my maternal grandfather's, my paterneral grandmother's and a friend father's funeral. And only at my paternal grandmother's funeral did an event cause me concern. But two people just crawled under my skin. Let's call one the weasel and the other the liar. Let's just let say the way the weasel acted was as if he were the one and only one who was morning. And the liar---she was a piece of work the whole time acting as if she never talked poorly about her family. Why the drama people? And if by chance either weasel or liar read this I only did what I was asked, I only was there to be the mother of my children, Pop's grandchildren and daughter in law to Bette, and friend of Pop's. We were there to support Bette and find our own closure. Of course, Pop was your blood family but Bette knew him better than any person there. Give unto those that hurt the most. I am not saying that you don't hurt, but they were married for well over 50 years. Some people just see themselves as the center of the universe. May you find humility. I am not judging I am only discerning events that I witnessed.

Now I must say prayers with my boys, we will pray for weasel and liar.

Peace,
Maria

Tuesday

2011-02-08T09:09:00.000-05:00

I have avoided writing for several reasons. I knew that somethings I would write are just raw emotions and I didn't want to sit and cry.
My Father in law died Friday morning at 5:15am. I was luck enough to see him on Thursday night. I actually got to spend several hours alone with him. He slept most of the time. Because Tony had the boys I was in no hurry to leave. Because I went quickly I did not have anything to distract me. I spent time praying. I asked God to give him peace, because he was struggling. I didn't ask for him to die just peace, in what ever way that God chose to give it to him. Now let me try to explain that every year Pop spent time in the hospital for several days struggling with pneumonia. Because of his failing heart this year it got more and more difficult for him to breath. Finally his body could just not fight anymore.
This is enough to make anyone sad. I was facing a different battle. One that most understand but don't quite comprehend. Yesterday was one year since I moved out of our marital home. I grieved for that loss. I am not the ex wife yet I am not the wife. I am in a limbo place. An outcast in some respects yet, I loved Pop and I am the mother of his beloved grandchildren. I have been happy to help Tony and his family. I am not wanting intrude.
The wave of emotions that washed over me included grief, sadness, joy, guilt, peace and dissapointment. My desire to help Tony made me question if my separation is what Tony and I should be doing to us or our children. Knowing that eventually my family will dies made me question my own distance with my Mother, Father and Sister. So, I sat and morned in limbo.
Last night was the visitation at the funeral home. Over 200 people attended, I am sure just as many will attend the funeral mass today. I sat with the family last night and will do the same today. We will then head to the family life center for lunch then Bette, Tony and the kids, and his brothers and their families will go to the cementary in Concord to be buried with Bette's family and their oldest son Vince who was killed August 1970. I will not attend the burial. I understand why, but I don't. I will go to the cementary tomorrow to sit again alone with Pop and pray.
I am praying for God to guide me the way he wants me to go. To do what he wants me to do. To listen. Many people have said that they have heard God. I don't. It was described to me as the little voice in your head. Your conscience. I know what this sounds like. I just have never thought it was God guiding me. What will he say? I am sure that 'stay the course of healing' will be said. 'the job you want will come to you'. 'be a good friend and rely on good friends'. 'Baron is a great man'. 'keep away for those that hurt you and if they do hurt you then forgive them, just as you have been forgiven'.

Peace,
Maria

Finding financial freedom

2011-02-01T09:15:00.000-05:00

I am on the hunt. The job hunt. It is long and painful but I know that becoming more and more independent will make my life easier. For the past few months I have been in battle with the SAD aka TheWinter Blues. I am happy. I am healthy. I just can't modivate too well. I know a job would help. Since my mind is not self modivating then a job will help. Force me to get out of bed and get ready! I slept 12 hours yesterday! I slept 8 last night and I could go back to bed right now! The cold, dark and dreary weather has got to stop! It is killing me. Spring could you please hurry? I needed the beautiful weather on Sunday soooo bad and I thought it would carry me thru the last few weeks of winter but if yesterday is any indication then I will be sleeping thru the rest of winter. Maybe I was a bear in a previous life. I know sometimes I act like a bear! Sorry to all those that have heard me growl unnecessarly.
Well my break is over. Back on the hunt! Then to check sales circulars. Bloom is offering double coupons up to $1.99 today only! This is the way I have to shop now. I kinda like it! I am a secret coupon shopper...hee hee. Don't tell anyone.

Peace,
Maria

freedom of press

2011-01-28T22:55:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for living in a country that affords me the right if freedom of press amd speech. And so I speak... or blog.
Out of respect and restraint I will keep names to myself. But i must ask what kind of father refuses to pay for medical care for his children because he hates is former spouse? In my opinion, one that does not actually care about his own children. I have heard of such 'parents' yet never thought that I would be so close to such events. SERIOUSLY, they are your offspring. Do you not care that much? Can someone be that selfcentered? The heavens will fall if your children experience a major medical problem. Are checkups so financially burdening to someone that makes 400 times the poverty level? Does not your company offer medical insurance? Do you hate so much your former spouse that you shall punish your own children? Obviously, you will. What you can not do for your own the courts must decide. Will that make you a myrter? Will you feel complete?
Peace,
Maria

I have heard...

2011-01-26T01:03:00.000-05:00

that children learn faster than adults. I question that thinking. Only because I have and am learning so much each day. Maybe adults dont care to retain the information put forth, or maybe children recall verbally/written better than we do. But this year has taught me so much more that the past few years. Or maybe that is the problem, I didn't learn anything in years so these lessons are more pronounced than ever before. Or maybe it is because the knowledge is more personal, and my life is not about 'book' learning. What ever the reason I am more educated today than yesterday, and it excites me!
Today was a lesson, a lesson in communication, it went well. Today was a lesson in reason, and calm heads prevailed. Today was a lesson is understanding, and I tried. Today was a lesson in humility, and wisdom won. Today is always a lesson. And I welcome tomorrow and what it will teach me.
Peace,
Maria

What I am learning.

2011-01-19T22:03:00.000-05:00

I am discovering that I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I have alway thought that I would do great things. And althougth they are not the great things that I thought they would be I am great. I am a Mom! I never thought that being a Mom would be something I would consider a great career, lifestyle or even state of mind. But it is. I know that there is much more to me than just a Mom. In a post in 2010 I listed some tags I could give myself and most were mundane. But with my separation and upcoming divorce I am realizing that Mom is a wonderful title. I still wonder what else life will offer to me. What opportunities will arise. What greatness I will achieve, but for now Mom is what I am. I have often wondered if I missed opportunities because I was fearful, self conscience or just lazy. But I now think this things happened so I could be a Mom. I will be remembered in my children. I am laying ground work for their independence. My greatness may never be influencing thousands, owning my own business, publishing my books or even living in an exotic location. I am content with that. I am becoming happy with that. I don't see this as laziness or even acceptance of a situation. I will admit being a Mom was never a goal. I know that I would not enjoy this title if it were not for my separation. I think that everything happens for a reason. And even if my other goals are met later in my life I know that I am doing my best, now.
I have worried about the future, and I realize that is such a waste of time. I am enjoying my here and now; not waiting on something better to come along. Reaching for my other goals is not going to stop me from enjoying the present. That is something I want to pass to my boys.
I also want them to understand that not one individual can fufill all of your needs. It takes many trusted people in our lives to fufill all of our needs. A best friend, a mentor, a sibling and a counselor. Not one person can be all of those things and a mate at the same time. The old saying "It takes a village to raise a child" holds true in adults. Revolving you life around one person is wrong. It puts undo stress on that person and sets them up for failure in your eyes. And those failures lead to resentment. I did that. I see it now. I see that I expected too much from my husband. I resented. I ultimately failed him. And for that I am sorry. I have regrets but I know this has let me to a better me, a better Mom and a better friend.

I think in a post I said that I was finding Jesus. Well that is just a stupid saying. I was and am not finding Jesus. I am finding my place in his plan for me. If you have known me for 20+ years you know that I have gone back and forth between my thoughts on God, Jesus and the Catholic Church. I have loved the church and served for the church. I have felt rejected by the church and I have rejected the church. I was surprised by my annoyance with the church after the births of my boys. I was not shocked when I was told by a priest that since I did not belive that Mary, Mother of Jesus was forever virgin, and that Communion was a symbol not the actual body and blood of Christ, that I was not really 'Catholic'. Since those are foundations of the church, I agreed. As Tony and I separated he devoted time reading Christian books (I thought to keep from speaking to me). Now this is not traditional Catholic actions. It pissed me off. Faced with a wife that was begging him to work on our marriage, how could he be turning to God? At one point I asked him to teach me and he said he was just learning himself so he could not teach anyone else. Luckly he didn't try. It would have failed like our marriage. I would have been left wondering if there is any truth in the stories of Jesus. if there a God, or is all this Chrisitan talk just that talk.
At one of my low points an amazing friend suggested that I attend The Cove Church. Why would I want to do that? God turned me away from the Catholic Church twice. I had begged him to save my marriage. I had contemplated sucide throughly. What could I get from this him? What could I get from a church that the only members other that my friend were these catty, rich, white women that would have gossip before and after bible study (I know this because they held it at our local coffee shop, and it is small enought to hear everything everyone says). I was so broken that I decided that I might as well see what this place has to offer. I went to service alone. I honestly didn't have any idea what to expect. I had heard that it was a 'mega church'; let's just be honest it was no bigger than any church in Charlotte. I was not sure about the auditorium seating, the lighting and the modern band, but I was moved my Mike's words. As I left I felt at home. Strange how you can walk in to a building and feel comfort. I was ready for the next service before I left the parking lot. I was amazed that I WANTED to know more. So I kept going, and going and I know that when I miss church it effects my whole week.
I have not found Jesus. I am finding my place in his plan.

Quick update 364 days since I signed my separation paperwork. Last year this time I had not eaten anything substancial in a month and I wanted to die. Today, I am not looking forward to tomorrow only because of the memories. I am hopeful of what new surprised tomorrow brings.

Peace,
Maria

Snow

2011-01-13T23:28:00.000-05:00

Kids have been out of school for 5 days. They went to their fathers today, and this weekend I am having some ladies over for a Spa weekend. It is needed. Very needed. I have spent the past three weeks eating and need a swift kick in the ass from my friends to motivate me. I am thinking that getting into my bikini would do it too! Now that is a scary thought. I doubt that the strings will go around my body. I know what I need to do; I just need to do it.
Life other than my weight gain is good. I am looking for a job. I don't want to work but I need to. Let's just see where this goes!
Peace,
Maria

A year

2010-12-20T15:43:00.000-05:00

It was hard for me to understand the reason for the changes that I had to experience these past 18 months. It is not any more. I don't discuss God much in this form, and I feel it is time for that to change. First let me go back to my lowest point of my existance. The day I thought that my death would be the best thing for my children. I honestly thought that I would be a horrible mother without my husband. I thought that I would cause them more harm than good. I thought that sucide was a reasonable answer to my saddness. I thought it out. I planned it. I wanted my kids and Tony to get my insurance money that I knew would never come if the insurance company realized that I killed myself. I wrote Tony an instruction lettter and a goodbye letter. I wrote my sister a letter of explaination. I wrote letters to my boys for their birthday until they were 18 years old! It is hard to try to imagine what issues your child will be facing in 10-15 years from now. I tried to imagine. I tried to explain to them that I loved them and I made the best choice that I could. But exactly how do you do that? I realize now that you can't. You can't explain how you abandoned them forever. If I walked away I could have returned or they could have found me but abandoning them forever is just wrong. Now, I think my plan would have worked it everyone would have stuck with the story. I could not be sure that everyone would have stuck with the story, and my boys would have been abandoned with no insurace money.

So you ask what stopped me? I remember reading randomly that sucide is the one thing that children can not overcome. Kids can overcome abuse (physical, verbal and sexual), abduction, natural disasters, abandonment by one or both parents, death or disease better than sucide. I don't know where I read that or if it is true, but I could not have my boys think that I didn't love them, that they could not recover from this event. They need to know how deep and unconditional their mother's love is.
And, I honestly thought that Tony would have changed his mind and we could have fixed our marriage. That we could correct all the wrongs. That we could love again, forgive each other and tear down the walls that we build up to stop our marriage to be amazing. We could keep our family together and provide the healthiest enviroment to raise our children.

For months I lived. I walked around. I got the kids to school. I drank myself to sleep. I lost weight. I didn't eat. If I thought of food I would get sick. I did everything wrong to my body. Then one day a friend suggested that I attend Divorce Care and attend The Cove Church. She is an amazing woman. A woman I trust. A woman I respect. She has four kids, is a stay at home mom working on her Masters in Divinity and she loves her husband. In the competition of 'Competing with the Jones' they just might lose. But they love each other and their kids. So ultimately they win! With all of this and all I have lost I nothing to lose. I had already reached bottom and I had begun to look up I just could not see the source of the light.

Divorce Care session was already in session so I could not join. I decided to attend The Cove. The first service I attended was a video service. This was strange for me. I was raised Catholic and didn't understand this way of worship. Sitting in a darkened auditorium, listening to a rock band, complete with the lights and fog machine. (After service I found out that the senior pastor Mike had to be away this Sunday so they taped the service from Sat night.) Some how I felt that Mike was speaking to me. How could this be? It was a video tape. I was not even sure if I believed in God much less Jesus. Come to think of it, I think I might have attended not only because of my friend but because I wanted to show Tony that I believed and that if he could make drastic changes in his life then I could too. I am not sure if I wanted to believe. But I was at the bottom, I was broken. Could this be what I needed to be healed? Could I be healed? I asked for forgiveness and I gave forgiveness. I was forgiven by the only one that can grant complete forgiveness.

Jump ahead a bit. I signed up for Divorce Care. I went for 13 of 14 sessions. I began individual therapy. I found healing in knowing that all the feeling that I had were 'normal'. I found out that I had acute depression. I didn't even know what that means to a human. Now I do. I was alive but not living. I fuctioned, but barely. I regressed from some and ran to others. The shift that my life took was like an living on a fault line during a major earthquake. But I began to heal. Slowly, finding myself in the shell of my body. I know that I am not whole, I will never be completely whole. That is the point. We are not to be whole until we met God in heaven.

I must continue this later.

Peace,
Maria

A Challenging time of year

2010-12-15T08:23:00.000-05:00

My challenges come in waves. Right now they are steadily pounding at me. More annoying that harmful. My phone is acting up, my computer is acting up, one of my children is acting up, my exhusband is acting up and I can't find things.

I am waiting on a check from my former employeer so I can finish my Christmas shopping and pay for my insulation and construction on my garage. I am formally moving my studio from the gallery to my home. I feel that this way I can work at any hour and not worry about supplies that are here that need to be there. I can paint well into the night and walk to my bed instead of driving. Once construction and organizing are complete I will invite some artists over to draw or paint with me one night. Like a kick off party! I have not painted in over a month and it is getting to me. I have been drawing but I want to put paint to canvas. I want to make canvases! I want to work with odd sizes. I enjoyed the challenge of working on a 6"x36". I would like to do a series in that size. I have a show that I need to have a new work completed by the end of Jan. and not to be working right now is driving me a little batty! I also have a piece requested for a friends office. I have sketched it out...now I just need to paint it!!!! ARRGH the frustration of waiting on others to follow thru on their word! It is enough to make me want to scream!

I am almost finished knitting a teacher's gift, and I have one more to start. All need to be done by Friday. I also will be making 4 batches of fudge for the 'Cookie Exchange' for our facility and staff at LES for tomorrow morning. I need to be at school at 6:15 (and yes that is AM!!) tomorrow to assist. NOTE TO SELF: Stop volunteering! I feel that I would stop if I had my studio finished or if I had a job. I don't want a 'job'. I want to paint. I want to be an artist that needs no external support.

Ok, enough with the complaining. I am off to make another pot of coffee, make fudge and knit before I head to the school to help with the Winter Party for D's class. (Yes, another volunteer slot filled).

I hope that you have a great day. Check back soon, my next post will me most interesting.

Peace,
Maria

Football

2010-11-13T15:14:00.000-05:00

Football has been a big part of my life. Even as a little girl I remember the men in my life watching games. I tried to understand the plays. I still try to understand the plays. I can see how the teams line up, I can tell then there is to be a pass play. I don't know all the positions but I do understand what their roles are. This was the first year my boys played football. It was not a winning season but it was fun for the boys.Today we ended the season with a party. We ate pizza, laughed and talked about the new friends we made. Yet, something was wrong. This was not the way my boys first end of year party was to go. This season was not the way I imagined the season to go. We were not a family. I was not the team mom. I have a great life. I have found a belief in God and Jesus that I have never known, and in the past week I have felt the tug of what I know to be the best life for my boys. To have Mom and Dad living in a happy healthy relationship with each other. I know that will never happen. Tony and I will never be that couple. I have an amazing man in my life that loves me and my boys. Yet, my heart longed for my dreams. This is my life now. Living apart from my husband. A single mom. Dating a wonderful man yet a part of my heart was missing today. I guesss that is the way it will always be. Graduation, dances, marriages and grandkids. Will my heart always be missing a piece? Like a puzzle with that one piece missing? I hope not.
This is my new life. I am waiting to be whole again.

Peace,
Maria

Friday, Last day

2010-10-29T13:20:00.001-04:00

Today is a great day, cool crisp weather, sunshine and it is the begining of my most favorite holiday weekend. Today also marks a new beginning for me. I will not return to Artworks on Main as an volunteer/employee. I have quit. It saddens me because I love this place. It will force me to focus on my art. To knit. To find a job. I will miss this place, I will return as a student, teacher and artist.

Soooo, my favorite holiday is Halloween and I am dressing up as the Queen of Hearts! Tonight I am going back to Lansdowne to meet with our Bunko Group! I loved my old neighborhood! Baron and I are going to the Gravediggers Ball on Saturday. Unfortunately I do not have the boys on Sunday for Trick or Treating. This is an irritant to me because Tony knows it is my favorite holiday and our neighborhood is having a party. I will be going with Baron and his girls. I know we will have fun but I should have my boys.

Trick or Treat Ya'll

Looking forward

2010-10-05T14:06:00.000-04:00

The past several weeks I have chosen to begin to look forward and not back. Forgiving others for past mistakes and forgiving myself have helped. I know that this is on going so I am not dissapointed with myself for returning to hurt feeling and regrets, it is natural.

I had an amazing weekend camping....Thanks TJ!

I have begun knitting again! So place your orders! It will be me power knitting for the next three months. After that I can get back to reading! I love knitting for gifts----if they appreciate the work and effort that goes into it. I think I will knit for my sisters this year. A novel idea huh? Knitting for family.

I am looking forward to Halloween this year! I don't know if I will be able to have the kids but either way I will have a blast! I am sure if I don't get then then I will get pics. I am loving my costume...I just can not gain an ounce or it will not fit! Yuck for winter weight...or would that be me being slack? One may never know.

Oct 1

2010-10-01T09:15:00.000-04:00

I now have my computer set up so my ability to blog is so much easier than on my Black berry! I am back folks. I have so much to tell. This summer has flown by. I don't remember if I have told you I bought a boat! Love the lake! I was on it as much as I could. When I didn't have my boys I spent most of my time with friends. I have not been knitting. That is sad. I have been painting. I am loving it but I think I need to move my studio to my garage so I can paint when ever I want.
The boys and I went to the USS Yorktown and spent the weekend there with the scouts. Great bonding time with my babies.
I have them next weekend (not my weekend) and I cant decide what we are going to do. I want to make the time I have with them special. Their father is out of town so I doubt that we will go to their football game. I don't see the need if I can find something that is just for 'us'. I do need to be back for the Panther game. I know that we are not playing very well but I love my Panthers. I went to the last game. I love club level.

I remember.
I know.

Peace,
Maria

summertime

2010-09-13T10:39:00.002-04:00

Well summer has flown by.I am cramming in as much boat time as possible! No one around me feels the need to float as much as I do. I am soaking up as much sun and daylight as life will allow. Finding excuses to get outside. I know why I am doing this....I am affected my SAD. Seasonal Affected Disorder. No so much that I an medicated but enought to make me depressed. And I don't need any more depression in my life.
I have been painting a lot lately and enjoying it. My amazing cousin paid me a great compliment last night by admiring my paintings. He is an artist too so I respect his words. I was filled with relief for the compliments and words of encouragement! I will go to the studio and paint tomorrow. Could not go today because I had a billion little things to do after sleeping in!
Peace,
Maria

36 years later...

2010-07-25T07:51:00.001-04:00

I'm visiting my Mom and step dad. My Dad and my step Mom do not live far away. I suggested last nite to my Mom that it would be nice if after thee boys and I have lunch with my Dad that they come over to the neighborhood pool for a bit. Mom was not having that. Ok minor change of plans....we will go to the beach. This made me think about my future with my ex. I know he already wants me as far away from him as possible. He says that distance equals peace for him. (I would have moved to CLT to give distance but he wanted to fight me)
I see the way my Mom reacts and I wonder if that is the way Tony will respond to me in 36 years! WiLl he never get over his mistakes? Forgive himself? Will he ever forgive my mistakes? We both made plenty but without forgiveness I feel that you can Never move forward. What a mistake that will be for our children. BIG mistake.

Peace,
Maria

Yes

2010-07-24T10:02:00.000-04:00

Yes, I was frustrated with Tony. No I don't want any harm to come to him. Anyone who knows me understands that I honestly care for him.
I think now that I have been dating he has realized that it might not have been worth the heart ache of a divorce, and he is acting out. I hope that he finds his way, forgiveness in him self will make his life so much easier. Someone needs a therapist and bad!
The boys and I start group therapy soon I am looking forward to it! I have issues related to our marriage and divorce that I need to resolve before I can move further in other relationships.

Nothing New Everything New

2010-07-20T13:15:00.000-04:00

Nothing new is going on in my life except everything! I am enjoying my summer with friends. I am going to visit family this weekend. I am missing my grandmother---so a visit is in order!
I am still looking for a boat...more actively now since I had to beg to get on the water this weekend. I think that an old pontoon will be perfect addition to my 'hood' floatilla.
Knitting has gone to the back burner again. It will come full front very soon.
To all of you,
Peace.
Maria

Tomorrow

2010-07-02T18:56:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I will be free to do what I want. Thank goddess!

Peace,
Maria

Book worm...

2010-06-07T13:44:00.000-04:00

I never use to read much now I am addicted. It is my escape. It is nice being able to hide. That is all i want to do is hide. I am regressing in my emotional life and escape seems like a great idea. I want to run away to leave Mville. I am going to do just that next weekend. I am going camping---alone. To get away from people I think will help me. To be silent. To be with nature. To clear my head. To focus. To fast. To breathe. To try to get answers I thought that I had answered. To find my way.
I did have a good weekend. I went on the lake Sat and Sun. I am finding that I am so drawn to the water it is making other financial decisions difficult. Anyone want to buy a boat with me? Well I am off to Craig's list to look.
Driving in the morning to NY for a funeral. Driving with my cousin. Liking that thought very much. He is good conversation. He is a good friend.

June 2

2010-06-01T13:44:00.000-04:00

I got back from a wonderful trip to Jacksonville, FL to visit my amazing friend 'Lizzard'. We have not seen each other in 8 years 2 months and 3 days and it was like we never missed a beat. We went to a wedding, to the beach, shopping and got a mani and pedi. What a wonderful vacation. The drive home was not so exciting...actually it was down right miserable. Stop and go for miles it took me over an hour to go only 30 miles. Not exactly the trip I had planned. I like my drive down better....top down sun shinning! Driving in doom and gloom!

Whoops! Gotta run...work now calls

Peace,
Maria

My Brithday

2010-05-24T13:51:00.000-04:00

Saturday could have been a tough day for me. My first birthday since my separation. It was not. As a matter of fact it was great! Kyla planned with my boys to cook me breakfast and let me sleep in! What a wonderful present...especially since I was to spend most of my day on the baseball field. (Actually D's game was cancelled...so only two hours on the field.) We went back to my house after lunch and then to the pool. My first time wearing a bikini in 8 years! Wow that is weird too. My stomach is sooooo white! I was fairly uncomfortable with my scar but I did it. I don't think I looked that bad either! At least I didn't have folds of fat hanging out for the world to see.
Yesterday we went to the pool again. My sister came to visit with her kids, ordered pizza to the pool. Had a great time. I do know one thing--when I don't have my boys I will not spend much time at the pool. Kids running around, squirting each other, yelling, laughing. Everyone was having a great time and I know that the neighborhood is great for the boys! Kids everywhere!
Today I went to D's class for the spring tea and how sweet it was. It was more like a Mother's day thing but I loved it. His class is full of a great group of kids!
Thanks to all that called, texted and Facebooked me to tell me Happy Birthday! It is nice to be loved!
Peace,
Maria

Ladies....

2010-05-15T21:26:00.000-04:00

I spent a wonderful night Friday with two different groups of spirited ladies. Some from my old neighborhood in Charlotte and some from Mville. It is amazing how different the groups are and how much alike they are. Beautiful. Intelligent. Confident. Sexy. Determined. Supportive. AMAZING. How lucky I am to know them and to have them as my friends!

Today I slept in-because they kept me out all hours of the night and morning!- then went to a camp out for A's cub scouts. Next year it looks like both boys will be in scouts! Sports. Scouts. School. Family. That is my life. I am still working on getting my yarn shop open. I would love to own my own shop. Surround myself with yarn and positive people! Lets just see if I can work the numbers.

It looks like I am spending the night at home after I get finished playing on the computer.

Peace,
Maria

Quail Hollow Ladies

2010-05-12T09:14:00.000-04:00

Here we are. Di, Melissa, Kim, Kristin and Me!

Mothers Day

2010-05-09T19:05:00.000-04:00

My Mother's Day was actually yesterday. I went to Lake Tillery and spent a wonderful afternoon with the most amazing woman I know...My Grandmother! To see her play corn hole was just delightful. To see her love her children, grand children and great grandchildren! Amazing. I am up loading pic to my little net book and I hope to get them posted by the time the coffee shop closes. I truly love my crazy family. Happy Mother's Day to all moms!

I have become friends with my cousin, Matt in the past month. His is so optimistic, warm and supportive. I love that. Even during his on crazy time he is driving me to be a better person. One thing that he thinks is that I need more sleep. I agree. I am still having a hard time just going to bed when I should. I have to be completely exhaused to go to bed. I am sure that will change given that my body can not function under those conditions. Thanks Matt for the love!

Ok the pics seem to be uploading to Flickr so I think I will have time to post them!

We all know that every person we meet and every event that we see or participate in help shape us. And I mean shape our spirit, our soul. I know that my trials and joys are all going to make me a different person than I am in this moment. I am trying to keep that in mind as I am feeling touches of pain. My pain today is because I had to take my boys to their father's house. Pain because it is Mother's Day and because they are in an enviroment that I can not 'control'. Tony and I have different parenting styles and yesterday I found out that he let M and her boyfriend spend the night. She is 15! When did that become acceptible? I am glad that was never attempted with we were married. Is that right? I just can not understand that. I expressed my concern saying to him that I am not cool with that while the boys are there and he said that I could not do anything about it. Can I? Who knows. I am thinking about calling my attorney to see if there is something I can do. Where will he draw the line? I and everyone that knows him understands that Tony does things because of his guilt over his first divorce. How can I co-parent when this is going on? The other pain is that my boys told me that they like to go to Dad's house because he has 4 tvs, a bigger house and new jet skiis! No, being a parent is not a competition but how do I compete with that? I try to do fun things with the boys but I don't have unlimited money. I don't have a guilty conscience that causes me to purchase new toys. (How is it that while we were married we 'did have the money' to do certian things? Was someone hiding something knowing that our marriage was going to end? It does make me wonder) I guess my reward will come much later when the boys grow up and realize that I spent time with them. Taught them new things. Helped them with their homework. Play taxi driver. At least they didn't say anything about loving him more than me. I think that would have pushed me over the edge.

Well the coffee shop is closing.

Peace,

Maria

tired

2010-05-07T00:34:00.001-04:00

I am tired. I am tired of people I can't name. I am tired of places I can't name. I am tired. I have vowed publicly and privately not to "let my life happen" but it seen that I have fallen slack. I have realized my pattern and I am trying to change it. I am proud of my self for that. For not allowing that to happen. So, I look forward to keeping myself on track. For seeing my mistakes. For moving in a positive direction. Filled with Hope!

This journey is not solo. I take this journey with all of you! And I thank you for taking it with me.

Our knitting group will take a journey in the form of a knit along and I hopeyou will follow the process and progress with us.

I don't know if I will be online this weekend so to all the Mothers out there I hope you get exactly what you want and deserve for Mother's Day, because it is your day.

Peace,
Maria

Quail Hollow

2010-04-29T16:01:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I went to my first Quail Hollow Championship Golf Event. Well I love not having to wait in line for a bathroom because we have clubhouse passes! Most of the afternoon was spent sitting on beautiful bent grass enjoying the sun, drinking cold beverages and laughing until my sides hurt! I went with four of the most beautiful women that enjoy life and live it to the fullest! Thanks K for the tickets! Actually thanks goes to K's hubby M. THANKS M!!!
I have pictures that will get posted this evening when I relax at the coffee shop.

Someone

2010-04-26T21:42:00.003-04:00

Said to me that I need to consider joining a divorce group. I have given it lots and lots of thought and I think that will be a good thing to do. I have done a little research and I found a place that has a group that does not charge, except for a book, and I get the feeling that it is non confrontational. I like that thought. I know that I need help and I feel that I am wearing down my core group of friends. I think that since there are soooo many unanswered questions I need to dig deep to find answers in my self without beating myself up. Blaming myself is not working. Blaming him is not working. I need to put to rest issues that can never be solved by us talking.

On a different note...still along the same lines I have reconnected with long distance friends and I might have the chance to go on a cruise! I took a cruise as a teen but as an adult...what fun. I love meeting new people. I love the sea. I love boats. What a great idea! I will wait to see the details and I will keep u posted.

Kids are doing well and the house is daily feeling more and more like a home. I wish hat I would have won the lottery so I Mon, Apr 26, 2010 have multiple homes but this will do for now.

Peace,
Maria

I can not believe...

2010-04-22T15:14:00.000-04:00

It has taken me over a week to post. And so much has gone on.

This weekend I went camping. Yes, me camping. I only went because I was assured that the group we were going with knew what they were doing...and they did. They did it well. Actually they rocked camping! The last time I went camping it was less than enjoyable for several reason...we had no idea what we were doing, it was a long drive, I had a stomach issue from the dinner we ate, it was rainy and it was only one night. The company on that trip was great, my husband and my kids. This one was different new people, no kids to worry about and lots of alcohol! If I was worried about an animal before I started drinking it didn't matter by the time I was done. Of course I didn't get too carried away but I slept well in a sleeping bag after several drinks. I hope to be invited back!

Peace,

Some days are better than others...

2010-04-14T08:59:00.000-04:00

Never has that been so true as the past two days. There is nothing 'wrong' with my life. My kids are healthy, happy. I am health, minus a small hole in my head. Most of my family is doing well---some of them are just crazy. Then why am I in a funk? Why do I miss my former best friend sooooo much? Is it because I have things to say or because I never feel heard? I want to talk to you, I want to listen to you--I want you to listen to me.

I am waiting for the clouds to lift and reveal the sun shine again. Waiting. Trying to stay busy. Trying to focus on the fun I will have camping this weekend. Stay focused. Eye on the prize not the past. Not like the past was all that much fun. Yes there were times of fun and happiness... but I would not be here is it was wonderful, if it was amazing, if it was extraordinary. Yet I remember...

Changes in my Life.

2010-04-10T09:48:00.001-04:00

Every now and again I look at my life and I am amazed at how quickly some changes come. As I have written this year has brought some of the hardest ones. At times just the thought of getting out of bed is painful. Now I don't have that pain....and for that I am thankful. I am able to look at life with a different eye. Not as jaded as before. I see colors like I have opened my eyes for the first time. I watch people more closely to see what their body language is saying as well as listening to their words. I do miss my 'comforts' of the past but I realize that those comforts have been holding me back. With life changing so rapidly I am forced to be more flexible. As many people know I have not been the most flexible person....this is a good change that I must adapt to. I would like to send a special Thank You to my friends...new and old, and to my family that are the most supportive and honest that I know!
Peace,
Maria

Seriously?! Dude!

2010-04-03T22:05:00.002-04:00

I have met many stupid people but today I found out that someone I thought was stupid lowered themselves to MORON! That is ashame. Until now I thought that this person was insecure and sad but not it just goes to stupid. Should I continue to feel sorry for this person? I guess I have no other choice than to feel sorry...but tonight brings new feelings. WoW, some people are stupid!
Peace.

Tooth

2010-04-02T07:34:00.002-04:00

#15 has got to go! You might have seen on facebook that my crown fell out yesterday. It was worse than expected. There was decay under the crown an it got so bad the tooth actually broke inside the crown. There is no good way to save the tooth so it is coming out in a few minutes. Now this would not be an option if it was a tooth that could be seen or even one that is useful. Thank Goddess it is not! It would cost about three thousand dollars to 'save' the tooth even then the dentist didn't think that would last too long! There was no way to avoid this either. I go every six months for cleanings. I brush and floss. The decay got underneath. Who knows how. Most likely started small and creeper under until it took over. It seems that Fridays are a gOod day for me to have surgery. I had surgery last week and now tooth extraction! I am glad to get this done early this morning because I am heading to NoDa tonight. I need NoDa tonight...I need to be doing what makes me happiest. I have found that if I am not happy I can not be a great Mom, friend, employee or sister. I want to be all of those things. The people in my life deserve the best Me. I deserve the best me.

'She's gone so now we can knit'

2010-03-30T13:14:00.000-04:00

Here it is! The watercolor version, I will try it in acrylics. I think the color values are too similar so I am going to repaint it. With that being said here is the explaination.... We use to knit at Three Goats Coffee and Espresso (do you see the goats?), the new owners hired a girl to sing on our nights so we moved to Panera. Now she is gone so we can knit at Three Goats again on both Tuesday and Thursday nights.

Friends

2010-03-30T00:39:00.002-04:00

I spend all weekend with two of the best friends any girl could have. I needed help and they were there for me! We watched movies, ate an ice cream pie and knit. They even helped with delivery guys! I am blessed. Thank you Goddess fir giving me amazingly strong women to support me in my time of need!

I have been painting a lot lately. I am loving acrylics now. I never thought I would. Roger says that they are just watercolors on steroids! That, I must say is a very true statement. So working in both media at the same time (on different pieces) is a nice mix. I am going to finish a piece tomorrow morning. A watercolor. A self portrait. I might post a pic of it...let's just wait and see how she turns out.

yesterday

2010-03-24T05:29:00.001-04:00

I could not write yesterday. Not actually sure if I should be writing about it now. My sweet baby turned 7 yesterday! We had a little get together with a few friends. Had hamburgers and ate cake. It wad sunny but a bit windy so it felt colder that it really was. He got nice presents. They all yet very well together.

Now I know that seems like something easy to write about. But honestly, since my Monday was another great day I know Tuesday would be difficult...I knew I didn't want to wake up and feel that emptiness in my chest. As much as I wanted to stay buried under the covers but my had his birthday. I will never be able to forget my anniversary. Maybe next year the pain will not creep up on me like a car accident. On minute you are fine the wham! You are hit. I am afraid of these days. The days that remind me of the years spent. I hope that one day I can go thru these days and have good memories, now it is just pain.
Peace,
Maria

moments

2010-03-17T00:03:00.001-04:00

Most people remember the moment they fall in love. I do. I have done it many times. I think that is a wonderful thing! Love, I feel is a fleeting experience and should be held on to as long as you can. But we all know that at some point you must let go. I am slowly letting go. I wish that I could change the past and still hold on but that love is fading and dying before my eyes. I now am opening up to a new world of love. Free and joyful. A world of respect and consideration. A love of friends.
I see a new painting coming on! Colors and brush strokes. I am living the life! I just need to keep my focus!
Peace,
Maria

It is finished!

2010-03-15T10:29:00.000-04:00

Although this painting is not the longest project I have ever completed it still is one that purged my emotions! Quite frankly I have never experienced that in my paintings, I have in pottery but not paint. Wow, what a relief! I would post pictures today but I seem to have misplaced my camera with the work in progress pics so, I will not post until I look in my other purse. Of course I changed purses for the weekend and my camera must be in there.
You must wait for the debut of 'She's gone so now we can knit' but let me explain the painting. My Tuesday night knitting group had moved from it's original location to a chain coffee shop. This was due to the fact that the new owners of the shop decided to have live music on Tuesdays. The voice of the woman was amazing and we spent about five nights knitting with music until we were all so stressed that not much knitting was getting accomplished. So after many weeks I found out that our beloved location had stopped music on Tuesdays so we could return. A home comming for our group. An artists started our group and to return to a coffee shop that supports local art is uplifting. For me this is very symbolic---I have returned to art and living a life for me!
Sorry that you must wait for the pictures but I can't let you see just the finished product!
Peace,
Maria

the life of an Artist

2010-03-11T22:54:00.001-05:00

I had an amazing time knitting so I came to the gallery to finish my painting....I do not like the veridian orange. I love the composition so I am starting over! I am too tired now to lay down the first wash so I just sketched it and will head home. To a peaceful, quiet, beautiful new home! To all artist I am thankful to the amazing works you create!
Peace,
Maria

Exceptional Living

2010-03-11T11:43:00.000-05:00

This weekend is going to be amazing. The boys are off with their father. My house will be nice and quiet. The gallery crawl is this weekend. Join me at Artworks on Main for Cortney Case Frasier artist reception. She has inspired me personally to try her style of painting. I have been working on the organic shapes, color. strong lines and compostition. Thanks Cortney for the unique perspective!

Sorry I did not up load them in the correct order. The final picture to come!

Friends

2010-03-05T10:59:00.000-05:00

To Nicole, I have been thinking about you. I hope your surgery went well. Look forward to having you back in NC real soon!

To K, Sorry that your feeling were hurt last night. Mean people Suck!

To Tj, Yes, it will get better. Spring is around the corner, bikini season soon!

To Lizzard, I miss you love!

To A, I hope that you don't get involved.

To M, Let's have lunch soon.

To W, Can we meet for drinks while the kids play in the back yard?

To T, Sorry that Atl was no fun.

To all my friend...I love you!

Peace,
Maria

Slander

2010-03-02T10:25:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking about what someone said to me a few weeks ago. I think everyone can agree that it is just in bad taste to call someone fat. Is it just the same to call someone anorexic? Is that not just as bad? Because you think someone is thin should you call them names? You said that I have said mean things---how would you like if I called you names? Once again, showing that you have no etiquitte. So just because you don't think that what you have said hurts someones feeling, you are wrong. I am sure you have done it more than you will admit. I do like being skinny, thin or 'anorexic' as you say.

Peace,
Maria

Moved

2010-03-01T08:52:00.000-05:00

I moved this weekend.
I am liking the house it is just the right size. The main floor is almost organized. My bedroom is a mess. I have not gotten furniture for the bedrooms but we all have brand new nice mattresses. Sleeping on mattresss on a floor----sounds like after college!
I took pictures. I will post once I find the cord that will connect my camera to the netbook!
Taking a rest at Three Goats then heading back to the house to get back to work on the boxes.
Peace,
Maria

jimmy

2010-02-23T18:20:00.001-05:00

Sitting, drinking, listening, loving, watching, needing, talking.

Thank you Jimmy, you are an inspiration.

great weekend

2010-02-22T08:23:00.001-05:00

I got busy this weekend and forgot to post that Dominic's team got beat. Bad. I think D was nervous he played one of his best friends. He was also tired because he stayed up late at V's rugby game on Friday nite.

This weekend was great. Spent time with two beautiful women! Got to see a friend that I have not seen in 6 months! Helped a friend paint her bathroom. Knit a half of a blanket while watching chick flicks! Ohhhhh and I can not forget lunch at Waffle House! We all carb loaded like we were training for a marathon! I personally think it helped us paint faster!
This week is going to be super stressful, fun and expensive! Going to see my dear friend Jimmy on Tuesday nite. So this has messed up my knitting schedule for the week. The closing is set for Friday at 3:30! I have picked out beds for the boys(did that on Friday)I am too nervous to purchase them! I'm afraid something crazy will happen with the closing. Everyone cross your fingers. I know my sprites will be on their best behavior!
The rain is still falling and I need to get my suitcase out to the car. Which does not thrill me in the least!

Don't know if the post will get published. Phone is acting very strange.

Basketball

2010-02-20T11:21:00.002-05:00

Anthony's team won in overtime! I am so proud of him. I got some. Pics and I will be unloading them for sure!
Dominic plays in 30 minutes. We are at McDonald's. They are eating. I how ever am not. What a waste of calories and fat grams! Yes, I care about those things. I care about the way I look! I will not be unhealthy.

Question

2010-02-17T16:18:00.000-05:00

I saw this question the other day and I want to share.

Would you rather have a million friends or a million dollar? Why?

At first I though that I would want the million dollar because I could never keep up with a million people. Would we really be friends?
Then I decided that I would want the million friends---if they were really friends then I could ask each one of the for a dollar. Then I would have a million friends and a million dollars!
If I had a million friends then at least I would have some place to stay since I live in a hotel! Maybe some place exotic!

Art

2010-02-17T15:58:00.001-05:00

The creation of art happens for many reasons. Mine is because of the divorce. I went to the gallery this morning to paint. I finished a painting (the boat) and I tried to work on another one (the cat) that did not work. So I jumped on the computer and I got inspired. Inspired by Cortney Case Frasier. I have seen her work and thought that it would be difficult for me to paint in that style. So...I tried it and I was very successful. I am painting olives-and a few pits. I am painting them with only one wash. This will keep me from over working the color keeping them very 2D. All of the olives and pits are painted all I have to do is the pimentos and the back ground. I would like to do another olive one using multiple layers and colors per olive. I took pictures but since I don't have anything but my netbook I can't use the camera card to up load them. I wonder if I can find a cable? Oh yea, the box would be in T's house. The house that I don't live in, the house that had the locks changed! Back to art. If you missed the opening of Carlleena Person's show you need to head to Artworks on Main to see her amazing paintings.

Now to the frustration that is my life....Mortgage. I am waiting. I need to get a letter from the underwriter to give to T so that he will agree to me filing my taxes and advance me money. I have asked them to get it to me asap. Hopefully I will get it and have this loan closed this week. Let's be honest that is just not going to happen! Next week? Who knows. I know that I will need to get settled soon. This is starting to bother the boys. They keep on asking--- Why we can't get a house? When we are going to get a house? When can we have our toys? I am wondering how T thought this was a good idea. Good for you bad for the boys.

Enough of that talk. Stay positive. Look to the future with hopeful eyes.

Hotel

2010-02-12T16:59:00.000-05:00

I have spent the past five nights in a hotel. Yes, it is nice having someone clean up after me and the boys every night but I am wanting my house! Now it is snowing outside and I would like to think that after work tonight I could go home and cozy up on the sofa for a snowy weekend. Instead I will be crashing at friend's houses! Now that sounds like college not mid-life!
The wait will be worth it!
This week has been good and a little bad. I have enjoyed the thougths of my house. I missed my boys when they went to their father's house. I have enjoyed the friends that I have spent time with. A small tug of war in my head!
I am at the gallery watching the snow fall thinking that this gallery crawl will not be the success that I was hoping for. The artist, Carlleena Person is amazing! I wish her great success!
I need to go take pictures of her work for the website.

Mortgage

2010-02-09T19:42:00.000-05:00

Still waiting on getting the mortgage. How long can I stay in a hotel? I think that if I can get the house by the end of the month I will need to down grade my hotel room. Right now i am in a king suite. It is nice that the boys don't have to sleep in the bed with me. This would have been a problem because I checked on them and D was facing the wrong way on the bed! I will admit that it is not the most comfortable bed but given my situation it is good enough. Actually, I am realizing that good enough is not enough. I want EXTRAORDINARY!
I am extraordinary!

Some days...

2010-02-05T22:01:00.001-05:00

it is easier not to blog and others I just can't help the call of the glow of the computer. Again, I am drawn to the glow. Maybe it settles the mind. I am sure there is research. I just don't really care enough to look. I have had a BLAHHHH kinda day. Not the day where the weather creeps in; just the OH shit kinda day that hits you like a ton of bricks on a wet day! But am I down? Hell NO! My life is just beginning!
Join me! Please! This journey will be amazing!

Rain

2010-02-05T17:21:00.000-05:00

I am trying to stay positive. How to do that when you have two beautiful kids that just don't understand and I am not good at this to begin with. They want to know why we have to do this so quickly why our house is not ready for us to move into. They have only had two weeks to adjust and think about this move and now I have to tell them that it might not even be possible!?! Their beautiful big eyes, full of questions that they don't even know how to ask and I am a 'babbling brook' of words trying to hold in the truth and my hurt. I have always been 'frank' with the boys telling them the core of the truth. How do I tell them this core? The bones of this divorce, this sudden move?
Ahh, breathe. To quote JB 'Breathe in, Breathe out, move on.'
If I ever get to meet you JB one of the things I would like to say is 'Thank you'. Thank you for singing words that move my soul, speak to my sense of reason, my heart. Thank you for singing to me! Although you don't know that you do---you do. Thanks Jimmy!

New Developments

2010-02-04T23:21:00.001-05:00

Why is it that when I think I have my ducks in a row I look around and find I have no ducks following me?
What a whirlwind kind of day. Can't give details yet but you will know soon. Too late to find out answers to questions. Just had to get this off my mind so I can go to bed.

Ultrasound

2010-02-03T09:24:00.000-05:00

I go for an ultrasound today. No, not because I am pregnant because my menstrual cycle is out of control and we are trying to decide if I have a tumor or thickening of the uterine wall. Either way I will be having surgery soon to correct the problem. We just don't know what kind. The joys of being a woman! The doctor thinks that once that problem is solved that I might be a much happier person! What will I do with myself if I turn in to 'Little Miss Sunshine?'
I have thought that over the past several months that T and I needed a problem that we would need to rely on each other that would bring us closer but this one comes a little too late.
After this test I am going shopping. Down to 112lbs and a size 2 no longer fit! I see this as a good problem. I like the thought of being a size 0 or juniors 3! The way I was before I met T!

I talked to a dear friend yesterday and she gave me more insight. I love my friends. Truthful, thoughtful, respectful and dedicated. Thanks A.R.! I love you!

PS. Dana, I am sure you are checking back to see what else I will write. I saw the letter you wrote him---he saw the FB notes we passed. So glad to know you were 'playing along' and just trying to keep the family close...how has that worked for you in the past? Now? Now, I know why your side of the family is not involved in this side. They knew the truth long before I did! And just to let you know the knit jacket made from organic cotton I made for the baby---you will not be getting it. You don't deserve it.

Today...

2010-02-02T14:00:00.001-05:00

I will be a work of ART!

Thank you for allowing me to become a work of art. Full of energy and color!

Today I return to blogging. I have missed it I have missed sharing my life and experiences. Join me for my adventure. My Life as Maria Campagna!

Contract

2010-02-02T13:48:00.003-05:00

I signed a contract for a house! Yea!
I am looking forward to this new beginning! Will you join me?

Two weeks

2010-01-28T10:26:00.000-05:00

Have past since my last post. All hell broke loose due to a back stabbing future ex-relative. Yes, the perfect family has their flaws.
I have realized that my marriage ended because of miscommunication! Yes, that is all. We failed to communicate effectively and there for it has ended. He thought, I shut down-reacted, he shut down-I tried to open up. Hurt and pain. Divorce. End of story.
Now I am looking forward to my new beginning. Making my life better, brighter, more creative, filled with friends, family and love. I will no longer associate closely with naysayers, complainers or just negative people. This is what I also promise to do with my friends. I will work hard at becoming a positive person. Don't get me wrong....don't expect Mrs. Sunshine. Just positive.

Eyes wide Open

2010-01-13T22:33:00.002-05:00

What happens when your eyes are open?

You see.

I have seen. I am content.

Day One

2010-01-13T08:33:00.000-05:00

Even though I have not signed the papers yet I consider this day one.

Once again, I lost it. Crying in a ball on the kitchen floor. This has got to stop. D is home sick and I am crying like a baby. Someone kick me in the ass.

I asked again, I begged again. And he says it is over. Why do I think that he will change his mind? Why can I not let go?

My friends say it is because it is 10 years of life--that has changed--not gone. Some say it is that I don't have control over the situation. Others say that it is just not been a place that I have ever been before and I am scared. All of this is true. I guess I just need to keep Breathing. In and Out. But just keep Breathing.

Breathe

2010-01-12T23:12:00.000-05:00

I did that today. And I will do it tomorrow, and the next.

How I did not break down and cry tonight at knitting I will never know. What a wonderful group of ladies. I got a call from one of them today. A wonderful unexpected call, a wonderful woman! How lucky I am. In the face of pain they made me laugh. They supported me with out smothering me. Thank you ladies!

I posted this on Facebook a few minutes ago...
'Now I lay me down to sleep.....just don't know if I want to wake up.'

Less than an hour

2010-01-12T14:23:00.001-05:00

I sent my last post to Tony. I guess I was hoping to get some response. All I got was we will talk about it this weekend.
This weekend. This weekend we are going away. I don't know where we are going. We are leaving on Friday and returning on Sunday. We talked about the mountains. That is not good. (That is where he & his new girl are going soon. I wonder when and where they are going? I hope he would not go to the same places we have gone. You need to make new memories not walk around in the past.)
Why are we going? I know that the motives are different for each of us. I am going so that he can see what he thought was true is not. I don't know what his are but I guess he is going to show me that what he thought is true. I know that I can't change his mind about truths or about our marriage. I guess the best outcome of this is to get to a place where we can talk, about the kids without hang ups. I have never had to have a relationship end and not have the luxury of just walking away. This time I have to talk to my ex. I have to see my ex. We have to watch each other move on. Further apart.

I NEED A THERAPIST!!! Oh yea, that is why I blog is because I don't want a therapist. I do need someone to help me. To help me let go of the past, mistakes, hurts, rejections, failures,disappointments, regrets, loves and losses. To remind me to Breathe In, Breathe Out, Repeat! To remind me to live.

Signing

2010-01-12T07:33:00.002-05:00

Today at 3pm Tony signs our separation agreement.

After spending the better part of 4 days crying I have come to understand that I have mourned the loss of a relationship that have been together for almost 10 years. Last night I read some journals that I have kept over the years and I realized that I don't mourn the relationship that I have or have had in the past 4 years. I mourn the relationship that we talked about. The one where we shared, respected, trusted, needed, wanted, and loved. Not the one we had. I mourn not having the opportunity to have that extraordinary marriage.

It is amazing what can happen in two months. September 22nd he went to an attorney. We were not happy but hell, I didn't know he was seeing an attorney. At that point I didn't want to work on our problems.... I was hurt. Don't work on it just go to an attorney. Not a counselor an attorney! So I resisted. Then several weeks later I decided that it was time to put my best foot forward and try. I hit his brick wall. Two months of hurt and not talking, my 10 year relationship and 8 year marriage to my soulmate ends. I back off, I stopped talking and trying again.
The holidays came. Tony takes V & M away on a vacation to Orlando. Leaving D & A here with me. How do you take only half of your children? Oh, yes....the chosen ones.
On Dec 22nd we were scheduled for mediation. Merry Christmas, Tony. I just wanted to get away. Take a vacation. I didn't because his father got sick. I choose to stay, to be a wife to my husband and be with him and his family in a time of need. I wanted to be with him if his father died.
In less than 4 months our marriage is over. Today he signs the paperwork.

And once again I cry.

Why does this feel like a death? Only two people close to me have died, for that I am lucky. My maternal Grandfather and my paternal Grandmother. Each time I cried for a while and then moved on with my life. Today I will cry. And I will cry alot. And tomorrow I hope to move on with my life. What happens in a year when the divorce will be final. Will I cry? Will I care? I don't know but for now, for today.

Today, Tuesday January 12, 2010 at 3pm my husband died.

And again I will cry.

What am I?

2010-01-11T09:27:00.001-05:00

As life goes I list things. I make to do lists. I make life lists. Bucket lists. Grocery lists. At one time I even kept a calendar of a list of things to do in the garden. But today I make a list of what I have been since my marriage. They are not in a true order just an order that I can somewhat remember.
Eye Candy
Girlfriend
Lover
Drinking Buddy
Employee
Party planner
Friend
Mother to be
Travel Companion
Mover
Sounding board
Mother
Wife
Manual help
Painter
Interior Designer
Nanny
Maid
Masseuse
Pool Girl
Workout Buddy
Nurse
First Mate
Gardner
Door mat

All of these things are not equal.

Last rewrite

2010-01-07T15:21:00.000-05:00

Ok--- it looks like we have a final draft of the separation agreement. If all works out it will be signed by Monday! Then the paperwork to get a loan! Actually most of that is done all I have to do is get it to the signed agreement to the loan officer. Then a house. And eventually.....who knows what will happen next.

Knitting is going good lately started a project that I bought several years ago. Rat Race Scarf by Morehouse Farms. Then to mittens and then to socks and then finish the shawl. Actually go visit my knitting blog at www.cablesyarn.blogspot.com
to keep up with knitting.
Yes I know.....Why do you have two blogs? Well one I try to keep about knitting and of course this is my LIFE! Knitting is a very important piece of my life but some people don't want to know about my life. So here you will find more about my life and a splash of knitting!
The boys are home. Gotta play Mommy! I am truly lucky!

Ice Skating

2009-12-30T18:38:00.000-05:00

I took the boys this afternoon to the uptown ice rink. Things went well until I fell. Of course. I either bruised my tailbone or broke it! I was helping D get to the edge and boom, we both went down. Man it hurts. Getting the skates off hurt. Getting in the car hurt. Driving hurt. Getting out of the car hurt. It hurts no matter what I do. Boy, do I feel old! I have plans to go out tomorrow night---I don't know if I can. I am sure my friends will convince me but it will take a lot to get me motivated. Well maybe not too much. I will be in bed early tonight. I was actually thinking about going right now. I know it's only 6:30 but it sounds like a plan.

Paperwork

2009-12-29T16:08:00.000-05:00

Let me just say---I hate paperwork. I am not the kind of person that just loves to look thru years and years of ppwk to find just what I am looking for.
With the divorce and now trying to get a loan I am waist deep in paperwork. It seems as though I am the one doing all of the paperwork for both events. I know this is all worth it but man it gives me a headache.

Note to all of those recently married or if you are remotely considering a divorce....
Make copies of all of your investment statements from your date of marriage, or close to it. Because you will need it! Every bit of it.

I am nausea has taken over again. And all I want to do is sit down with a half gallon of vanilla ice cream and eat the whole bloody thing. But as I have said before....I will not let this make me fat!