dreams

My dreams over the past few weeks have been horrible. I keep thinking about the days when T and I were ending our marriage and what lead up to that decision. I know that my life if fuller now that I am not married to him but the hole it left in my life is still there. The hole that is filled with anger, bitterness, dissapointment. I know the size of the hole is getting smaller but it is not filled, and with the dreams and recent events it seems to be the same size.

After going to The Cove Church and Divorce Care I know that God and his love are the only way to mend that hole. I have committed myself to following God's will, so I am wondering why these images are returning. It must be the work of the devil himself trying to pull me to make bad decisions. Forcing me to relive all the emotions instead of moving forward to a life of Grace and Forgiveness.

This battle played it self out in my readiness to return to scrapbooking. I quit scrapbooking Sept 2009. I quit that because I was scrapbooking ten years of togetherness. Not long ago I got over a hundred picture developed. Seeing my new life in print I was feeling like I was ready to return to the craft. Mistakenly, I pulled out my vast collection of pictures that were ready to fill beautiful pages of printed and card stock paper; ready for my journaling and embellishments.
I was hit with a wave of nausea. Seeing the life I lived. The collection of stories behind those smiling faces. I cried. At first I cried because of the loss. Then I cried because of anger. Looking at those pictures did many things; One, it showed me a life that was, on flat paper, happy. Two, It showed a person that I loved smiling. I now know that person wishes me distroyed. That person wishes me pain. That person wishes me withered and gone. Three, It showed that I was a passive person in the experience. I was the one taking the pictures. When Anthony asked me if I was there; I was a crushing blow. He was so young and does not remember events that I treasured in my mind. There are only a few pictures of me with my boys. One set of photos; I remember that day just as vividly as the rest, Dominic was about three, Anthony about a year and a half. I had just given them their bath and I asked T to take some pictures. The boys were clean smelling like baby shampoo. I combed their hair and dried it. Dominic had on his favorite PJ's all clean and soft, Anthony naked. We sat, them in my lap, in the hallway of our first house. My favorite house, in my favorite neighborhood, in the city I love so much, Charlotte. I cried. For my loss. For their loss. They will never know, as I never knew the love of biological parents working together, loving and accepting them. It is a loss that I can never replace. Not for me or them. I was dissapointed in myself and their father.
Then there were pictures of our new house, that brought on a new flood of pain. I never wanted to leave the life I thought was perfect. I remembered building our house and longing to return to a place that I called 'home'. I begged to return. I remember the conversation where I asked to return and being told no. Again dissapointment. Pictures of our last family vacation, business vacation and our last Christmas. And the hole opened wider. And it is trying to open even wider threating to swallow me up again.

Today I am going to fight that expansion. I know that God has given me the challenge to stregthen me. I know that even though I begged him to stop the separation and divorce that his answer was simple. 'No. Maria I will not stop it. I have something better for you. I have made you strong. I will heal you. You must follow so I can show you the greatness that I have planned for you. Thank you for your prayers. I must say No now so that I can say Yes later. All you have to do is ask for my Guidance and Grace and I will show you how Great you can be.'

I did just that, I said yes to the Lord Jesus Christ on Sept 25th 2011 with my baptisim. And now I wait. On his time schedule, not mine. Although it is tough right now I know that he is building me up. God never tears down what he can not build back better. I am riding a wave of emotion that divorce creates. I know that the downs are not as bad as they were as long as I keep my eyes to heaven, my knees bent, my heart open and my thoughts focused.

Today, I pray for stregnth. The deamons that I will face in the coming weeks and months will be strong. My stregnth will be stronger.

Peace,
Maria