Understanding

I don't have a good understanding of how it is I can make a mess when I don't realize that I am making a mess. Sometimes creating can get messy. When you renovate a house you have this idea in your head, then to paper of what it will be like. As the deconstruction goes you are filled with anticipation. The reconstruction begins and you start to see your dream take shape. Unfortunantly, there are always problems. Shipments are not delivered on time. Delays seem to be at every turn. You get frustrated and begin to think that the project that seemed flawless is riddled with problems. But you have to be patient. Because in the end it will be exactly what you wanted. Sometimes you are more pleased with the results than you ever thought possible.
This is where I am in life, again.

Now I have a question, Do you believe in unconditional love from another person? I do! Another question, Will you accept unconditional love when it is presented?
Outside of my children, I had for the first time in my life felt unconditional love for another person. Seeing the flaws and know that they don't matter. Viewing the big ones as opportunity to grow together. Dreaming of a major reconstruction in my life. I thought I received it and I was open to accept it. And now there is an unexpectant delay. Of course, so actions need to be taken to secure the gaping wound. But I will wait for healing. I will pray that God will show me the time and the way to start the reconstruction again. I am not sure which way he wants me to go. I know what I want but I have learned that having my way is not always the best way.
Yesterday I didn't think that I would be writing this. Of course isn't it always that way. Life smacks you in the face--well I just got a good one!
I woke up this morning knowing that I have plans tonight and that a quick get away would be nice. But I failed to remember that I have to work on Sunday! I have to make up for money spent and savings need to be replenished. Sometimes I think this is crazy. My Ex makes enough money to support 5 households and I am pinching pennies where I can. I am working for at a bar, waiting tables, I have a college education and can't find a job--so do thousands of other people! I do not have pride when it comes to supporting my family. I will do what it takes. Of course I do my crazy; like paying for things for friends because I know they are struggling more than I am. I know I spend in places I should not---my boat, but that is my release. My calming. My everyday vacation. I don't consider this 'justifacation' in a bad way it is just true, everyone needs an excape. That is where I will go today. To the water. Alone. Or maybe I can find someone that will go with me and be a happy positive influence. I don't want to tell my friends what is going on. Because I truely believe that this reconstruction will be beautiful and fulfilling. The holding back is the problem. I don't do that very well. I trust my friends. I believe in them. I know they want the best for me.

This is my prayer,
Lord,
Please keep my heart soft and open for the opportunities that you present to me. Show me the way- even if I don't like it, remind me that you and you alone know what is best for me.  Lord, I want to be your faithful and good servant but I am just human with flaws and sins, guilt and regrets; with your Holy Spirit you can heal all. Heal and Guide me! I know my best days are yet to come.
In you Son's Holy and Precious Name.
Amen

Peace,
Maria