Release control.....

That is difficult for me to do. I struggle with that daily. In many ways I want to let go of some of my control. Yet, I don't want to feel needy and weak. I hate weak people. I have been weak. I have noticed it, I got called out about it. And I thank my friend that did that. Needing something or someone does not have to show weakness. Weakness is a personal flaw. Arrogance in your strength is a personal flaw. I see now what my flaws in these areas are from the last two weeks are. I was weak. Today I am stronger in a fulfilling way. I gave my weakness up. I gave up self blame. I gave my illusion of control up. I didn't yearn. I didn't whimper. I didn't beg. I took steps today that allowed me to be in control in a healthy way. I said yes, a healthy yes. A simple and quite yes, that in my head felt like a shout.

There comes a time when you look at someone and you don't feel that tug of weakness or strength, and you know that you have come to terms with decisions that have been made and you are content. Today, I was content. I didn't have to say it, I felt it. It is freeing. It is breathing your own breath.

It is true thinking changes actions, and feelings. When we are overwhelmed it is when we forget or are temporarily unable to think things thru. I have had time to think things thru and I have changed my feelings about past events. In many ways this is forgiveness at it's finest. Forgiving someone does not mean that you want to return to that pattern of behavior or person. It acknowledges your own failures and successes while acknowledging theirs, and taking ownership of them, then walking away.

I will sleep tonight and tomorrow I will awake with more confidence. In that confidence, I know that there will times of self judging and self loathing, but those will come and go quicker. And eventually they will fade completely.

Peace,
Maria