Again...

I have not felt saddness like this in almost a year. I can not smile. I can not eat. I can not hope.

I thought this would have been easier or not even hurt. I does. It hurts bad. I am sure this will pass. That in a few weeks I will be able to smile with ease.

Again pictures come off the walls. A reminder of January 2010.

I am so tired. I don't want to get out of bed much less take a shower. I can't put on makeup or jewelry. I almost can't breathe.

I can't talk to people about this, so I write. Why can't I talk to my family or friends? I have talked them to the point that they are tired of hearing it. I got what I wanted---didn't I? I didn't want my marriage the way it was and there was no way it was going to change. Ultimately, I got what I wanted. I didn't want to feel second, third or fourth. I got being nothing. I wanted to feel in control of my life. I got freedom.

What I didn't count on is the gut wrenching pain. The pain that makes you want to sleep. The pain that makes you want to cry. The pain that makes you want to give up.

I read some where that 'there is stregnth in tears. Tears are powerful. They hold utter joy and complete sorrow. That tears say a thousand words.' If this holds true then I am powerful, I am strong and I have spoken a library's worth of volumes.

A song by Sara Evans says 'Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.' I am approaching my weakest day and I don't feel any stronger.

I have laid this all 'at the cross' and I guess that God knows...

Now, I will watch the sunset and try to find joy in it. I will pray for hope.

Peace,
Maria